you are the sun

you shine
       down on me. i smile
and the thought of you brightens
    up
         my day. i LOVE
this feeling…hope it never goes away
            when one’s heart feels SO full from all we say
all we do right before you and i have to leave
            when sadness is no longer and the reality
of it all keeps
             me warm all throughout until the next time we meet
until the next
                      when
      we come together and feel this…overwhelming bliss
of pure energy surging throughout over a kiss
   one simple
kiss…and this..what i would give
for this moment to last forever
for it to continue each second…and never
   leave me. …. …. momentum just keeps growing
undeniable sense of peace just keeps being
>-  <3 

..tell me when you hear my heart stop…

the storm has passed..the fire inside burned so hot tonight
the rage within would not have me rest and let me go tonight
had to go for a walk..to cool down the burning inside
walking with it- tossing me around…tearing me up inside
- out -
the insecurities try to manifest into physical pain. out
into the real world
into something someone would not be able to ignore
want to kick myself SO hard
want to punch something SO hard
want to scream my soul out
want to cry my heart out
how quickly i fall again
after all that went on with the last…i do this again
to find that i let this whilrwind of words take me
to find myself let go of my foundation..to find i have no idea who me
really is…. …. .. ……

for the birds

someone new has entered
a Place forbidden to all – an area guarded
at all times. where no entry
was allowed to any
but one man – yet that man’s face
has faded
with his memory
- a new soul has entered – Undetected
unannounced. but he is Here
he is all i see currently
the one she calls for to be near Constantly.
she has awoken from her nap. cried herself into a deep Sleep.
she wakes up slowly
quietly
the one from the past is no longer
         he disappeared
into the shadows and there is someone brand new
standing in the room
he is still.
he does not want to disturb
her from what seems to be the sweetest of slumbers
he knows to proceed with caution.
that she is still healing
as is he
slow and steady. neither are ready
not yet at least
they must both test the waters of Trust
one toe at a time

play in reverse

words cannot seem to say what i need you to hear
do not come out the way i wish

when you are near
in person…    at the other end
    of the phone….a touch of a fingertip away
through text…the  words that come so fluidly
   solely in my thoughts – from my heart -leave
me
to myself.
nothing but silence
accompanies.
As soon as you are away, they come right back in. Leaving
no room to think.  .   .  .. . … ..

why though?
why do they vanish
              when i need them
 the most?

just the feeling and emotions
are left – but without a way to Describe
how else can i share them? even though words do no Justice -
at least they provide a Platform
    to start. without them, i have
n o t h i n   g . .. .. .   .  ..  .    .  ..   .
i need you
to    H  E  A  R  !(t)!  !!! !   me
    B  u t
without words   or a     v oi  ce
what am i left with
to do
to express what i need
to share with you?

I Love how you make me FEEL….
   I wish you Felt the same -

change of season

my tree – Once on FIRE!
   dressed in leaves of Red,
       Orange and                              Yellow
has lost to the Winter Cold
       again…
The renewed Warmth Spring Brought
    L I N G E R E D
through Fall
      Heating up right until the
end-

Everything Stopped.
Cold set in.
Frostbiting anyone who dares to come out into the cold
Freeze you to the CORE
             Each who even THINKS about being exposed
In any Way.
Best to Stay in
         Where it’s Safe and Warm.
   comfortable
maybe until next Spring…
When Loves blooms all around
           a   sea of it -             Warming the
Earth back -
        When Winter’s death
Brings Life back to Spring – When Love
     Breathes Warmth
After the rainstorms have washed away the
                unneccessary, dead
things of the past
                  Cleanse the Earth
of what is no longer needed

 

My tree- Once burning
On Fire with such passion
Has lost its magic
The Cold Wind has taken its place.

friday.nov.13th.2009.late night.rant

close my eyes. listen close…she speaks
softly, but has finally
broken her silence tonight..
listen and feel what she wants to share..pay attention..close..tears on the brink
a storm of sorrow on the verge
of coming up and showing itself..

 

listen to the music..she hears it…
shaking..i move back and forth and am possessed…
my heart has taken over my body..
…she is exhausted..she wants sleep but i do allow it…
      i keep her awake while i study
                  she is getting restless..

 

afraid once the walls are down
once the Truth is out
once we hear what we already know
the tears that start will never stop. vulnerability is a bitch…i sway
back and forth…in a trance…in silence
the music moves me…keep quiet
but inside..i hear her

screaming now…screaming at the top of her lungs
into the back of my ears…i feel the vibrations
she wants to be saved
but she won’t tell me from what.

 

no one has a hold anymore..at least i don’t think so
i’m too distracted to think of him
not now at least..but maybe that’s what’s driving her crazy
she thinks of him for me while i live life for the both of us

 

she uses my vocal chords for her screams
they do not exist in this waking world but i can feel the tingles
the temptation kills..just once…
ONE 
       LOUD
  SCREAM!!!
one sob so hard that i suffocate
on the brink of death
because that’s where i feel i am now
or that’s what she tells me…she wants to die
she wants to cease. she wants to STOP NOW..RIGHT THIS SECOND
just STOP TIME…it MOVES TOO FAST
healing takes time..let me have the time to heal

            stop the busy world
the distractions do not really distract..she feels everything
    i do not.

Love…

is a virus.
takes hold of it’s host
             uses her up
in ways she never knew. Lovesick
             She Is
diseased.
       w a lk  in  g     th e    l  in  e
     of Life
and Death.     jealousy. anxiety
always questioning.
- it is a State of Constant Angst -
so close i can   smell.       taste.
             see.     hear.
touch.                 right there!
a few     i n   c  h  e s     more.  within my
    grasp.               why can’t i?
Just this Once…                         P  l  e  a   s e.
Pl ea se.          P l e  a  s e.    Please.
i never ask for anything -
    okay…  maybe that’s a lie, but still -
To lay with him, is all I ask.
To hold his hand.
To touch his face. To kiss gently. To feel his breath all over.
To get lost when he enters

..on the back and forth of it all…

They tell me to grow up
that he wants a Woman 
      Not a little girl.
  Inside – it is hard to Deny.
 My spirit feels young and *light*
When it’s dark, she brings me smiles.

the World is Cold.
Humans are inHumane

she brings me Hope.
she makes me *glow*
   The Love you see. 
         tase.    smell. 
    FEEL.
Those are all Her.
Without her, I am uncaring. unfeeling. Her Youth.
  naivete. childishness.
are Me.

when i grow “old” (whatever that means) 
         she will still live inside me.
continue to             Up 
                 pick   me 
    from the Pain of the World.
and i will keep on passing along
      the compassion
and empathy and understanding 
   to everyone in my Life.

scatter-brainedness

there’s a breaking point for everything.
             comfort never stays comfortable
at some point an unwanted feeling comes in
                         wears out it’s welcome.
            boredom, restlessness..or just
wanting
   more – there’s a moment      a point
                       when things Flat Line.                    need Life
      resuscitate me -        bring me Back        to Life.   Feel alive
when I am walking on the Line of almost Dead
     i could Die at any moment
   the tension
where my soul feels
        like she’s at the border of Crossing
Over past limitations and confinement of this physical
body. This skin
      barrier stops her – yet she
tries to convince constantly

…in silent reverie..

i ran as fast as i could after class
the wind blowing my hair into a mess
  i  could no longer be apart
feel him, hear him calling my heart:
  “come out and play
no work of any kind tonight..just come rest under my shade” 
           Ran So Fast
i could barely keep balance
    it had been a WHOLE day
and i could no longer be away…

my tree lives in
          my secret garden
   unnoticed by any who try
        to find..although it does not hide
it turned dark tonight…quicker than normal
a shade of rusty crescent moon and purple
filled the horizon
as i lay under my tree’s branches..this feels a little different -
maybe it’s the sky?
      did night
suddenly turn light???
         no! wait! my tree -
  - the leaves -
                             – They Are Fire

oh! wait…look again…
      just the leaves changing
         
                    flooding
   down 
               orange. 
 yellow.
                             red.
all  
         raining
  down
                     covering entirely
         get lost in leaves
now part of me