friday.nov.13th.2009.late night.rant

close my eyes. listen close…she speaks
softly, but has finally
broken her silence tonight..
listen and feel what she wants to share..pay attention..close..tears on the brink
a storm of sorrow on the verge
of coming up and showing itself..

 

listen to the music..she hears it…
shaking..i move back and forth and am possessed…
my heart has taken over my body..
…she is exhausted..she wants sleep but i do allow it…
      i keep her awake while i study
                  she is getting restless..

 

afraid once the walls are down
once the Truth is out
once we hear what we already know
the tears that start will never stop. vulnerability is a bitch…i sway
back and forth…in a trance…in silence
the music moves me…keep quiet
but inside..i hear her

screaming now…screaming at the top of her lungs
into the back of my ears…i feel the vibrations
she wants to be saved
but she won’t tell me from what.

 

no one has a hold anymore..at least i don’t think so
i’m too distracted to think of him
not now at least..but maybe that’s what’s driving her crazy
she thinks of him for me while i live life for the both of us

 

she uses my vocal chords for her screams
they do not exist in this waking world but i can feel the tingles
the temptation kills..just once…
ONE 
       LOUD
  SCREAM!!!
one sob so hard that i suffocate
on the brink of death
because that’s where i feel i am now
or that’s what she tells me…she wants to die
she wants to cease. she wants to STOP NOW..RIGHT THIS SECOND
just STOP TIME…it MOVES TOO FAST
healing takes time..let me have the time to heal

            stop the busy world
the distractions do not really distract..she feels everything
    i do not.

you will not miss me
no one ever has
it’s okay. i’ve grown accustomed to it by now

they come in
want more
i give too much
too quick
then they run and hide
sporadically coming back in. but just for short periods

i am
“the Abandoned”
people leave me easily – do not think twice -
but that does not make me sad. it can’t
or else i would die
i have to be okay with it
so i am.
smile and nod
did it to myself
came on WAY too strong

when will i ever learn?
i don’t know if i can or will.
just my curse in life
those i love will leave me eventually
as they do with everyone else – no different…
right?

..use somebody..someone like me!

if you fear hurting me, then you are too late.
if you think that excuses will lessen the blow, then you are incorrect.
the truth will set me free from the shackles of this love.
the chains created by my own imagination
have held me hostage for some time now
and you know! i know you know who he is!
yet you let me sit in here looking at the cave walls.
at my self created, dillusional shadow figures and their stories.
this is self inflicted, yes!
but i hold onto a hope i see
in you feel the same…possibly
and until you destroy it, i will continue
to hold on. because that is all i know how to do.
you hurt me by stringing excuses in front of me
i need
Truth. but you do not give that, so
i cannot let go.

gotta take the good with the bad…

love me the way you love her
is all i ask for
JUST equal, not more..
look at me the same

i know she’s always been your favorite
and that’s why i grow  jealous so quick

but just once
love me equal

please
otherwise, these
tears
will not leave me
alone.
even being close
tears me apart…
that hug…hurt my heart
because that one ounce
of care…brings me down
wanting more. knowing that day may never come
or as fast and often as i need

so please hear me:
Love Me Equally…
even if pretending.

last night

found out that desparation drained
now nothing remains
not even his Soul knows where to go
/lost/
that moment it was okay to just not
now only questions, the answers – unlikely to come
no room for resolution in these situations

Why did you do it? How can it get to that point? Why didn’t you scream out loud for help? When did this happen? How did this happen? Where do they go now that you’re gone? How could you do this? Was there no light at all…not even a distant dot, somewhere hope might be?
I hope you are well. and I wish you the Greatest Peace after this cruel world hurt you so deeply. I do not know you and cannot remember you…but you were a part of me like I am of you, as we are of all…peace, Love, HAPPYness for all eternity until we meet again

love is fleeting

almost 2 years
and i can still feel
the feeling of my heart breaking…
crumbling   e v e r y   l i t t l e    p i e c e
…i couldn’t      b r e a t h e
wanting life to cease.
                     <shut my eyes>
praying for death to take me
saving me
from this unimaginable Reality -
so with my history
how can hope exist to Be…

forgot how to love

too…or so it seems
taking for granted and i just please…
for
forgiveness. i’m sorry
i didn’t know what i had…so much more
than what i continued
to complain
about constantly.

love?
knew i was
once he left
and i felt
it all break. my heart crushed
my breath failing me
my throat closing up
my tears pouring out
and this hole…

hated my family…i am SO ungrateful
can’t even write that without tearing
and dean staring at me
while i type this…cannot think straight
i just hurt and the sadness overcomes

i am a terrible person
a monster on the inside
showing her true colours. and i hate her
how much she puts down or ignores the good
how she continues to play victim
when she’s the one who PREACHES that you have control
so why don’t i
TAKE
that control and stop blaming
start loving
and enjoying the people who are here
who CHOOSE to be near
who CHOOSE not to leave
who CHOOSE to stick by me
hard times, nice times and even the ugly…

but i do not have the tools…or maybe that’s what i just tell myself to feel better about the shitty things i’ve been doing.

life isn’t about selfishness and only what I want…it’s about love. and keeping close to people. and bettering the lives of the people who are in it. and being selfless and sucking up the ego to love fully and UNCONDITIONALLY and always..and not to regret how you treat people before it becomes too late…and that can be at any time. to stop TAKING FOR GRANTEd. and just DO and BE the person i wish…not just sulking to live up to that…

what to do?

you keep coming into view
as soon as i get it to stop, it continues
with your name on a piece of paper
or your voice entering my office…
am i reading into the universe too much
or could there be more
do i take it slow
or HurryFastsoasnottoloseyou?
i am so confused. sometimes the universe’s opening is only so long
and afterwards, it could be too late.
there are no “if it’s meant to be”’s
only narrow windows to jump through before they close forever…
leaving me cold and out all alone…wishing…wondering…
what could have been…

gotta get my head right

seconds
continue to take helpings.
never stopping

Very big problem
so many Excuses…

just want to go on abusing
Her.
who cares – want another
course of hurt
take advantage of this Girl
no love needed
She is Free
to use up…all on Me

love is unWanted. i ask please
do not say anything
no kissing, no sweet nothings
whispered in our ears.
no breath
lingering on my neck.
just unzip. pull down
and let me get Down.
i am unWorthy of any praise
just use Her up and throw Me away.

uncomfortable

her skin doesn’t fit like it used to

she has fallen
into a blackhole

in the fog, so dense, she cannot see a thing
the clouds are heavy and weigh her down
more than she already is
and she sinks into a depression

too lazy to do anything

so lost, a way back is impossible
not until she is right within

when the sun decides to come out and burn the cold
shining past the darkness
a clear head
unachievable a goal
hopelessness is inevitable
the shadow that once followed
now consumes
cloaks her from what is
and always has been
and she hides beneath the lies
the validation given is self-constructed
misrepresentation used to fool herself
they used to work

once upon a time
they deceived her but she has opened her eyes
the weightlessness has been replaced
with something so wearisome
cannot place a finger on it
but her eyes fill with tears that are not there
her lips do not frown but cannot force a smile
her eyes do not shine like they used to
the stress is real
and has become his own person
pulling her down
he drags this girl to her own destruction
by self. no other would -
could be so damaging.