gotta take the good with the bad…

love me the way you love her
is all i ask for
JUST equal, not more..
look at me the same

i know she’s always been your favorite
and that’s why i grow  jealous so quick

but just once
love me equal

please
otherwise, these
tears
will not leave me
alone.
even being close
tears me apart…
that hug…hurt my heart
because that one ounce
of care…brings me down
wanting more. knowing that day may never come
or as fast and often as i need

so please hear me:
Love Me Equally…
even if pretending.

forgot how to love

too…or so it seems
taking for granted and i just please…
for
forgiveness. i’m sorry
i didn’t know what i had…so much more
than what i continued
to complain
about constantly.

love?
knew i was
once he left
and i felt
it all break. my heart crushed
my breath failing me
my throat closing up
my tears pouring out
and this hole…

hated my family…i am SO ungrateful
can’t even write that without tearing
and dean staring at me
while i type this…cannot think straight
i just hurt and the sadness overcomes

i am a terrible person
a monster on the inside
showing her true colours. and i hate her
how much she puts down or ignores the good
how she continues to play victim
when she’s the one who PREACHES that you have control
so why don’t i
TAKE
that control and stop blaming
start loving
and enjoying the people who are here
who CHOOSE to be near
who CHOOSE not to leave
who CHOOSE to stick by me
hard times, nice times and even the ugly…

but i do not have the tools…or maybe that’s what i just tell myself to feel better about the shitty things i’ve been doing.

life isn’t about selfishness and only what I want…it’s about love. and keeping close to people. and bettering the lives of the people who are in it. and being selfless and sucking up the ego to love fully and UNCONDITIONALLY and always..and not to regret how you treat people before it becomes too late…and that can be at any time. to stop TAKING FOR GRANTEd. and just DO and BE the person i wish…not just sulking to live up to that…

miss you

a teeter totter. a tug
of war. pull and push
never level.
why? i miss your face
and the way i cannot
stop myself from smiling -
genuinely. from the inside.
you never answer anymore.
quit trying a month or so ago. until tonight…
i still imagine. live in my memories.
just your energy. no romantic
thoughts or feelings. like a best friend
the brother i never had – you make me
comfortable. foggy memory i wish
to replace with clear, blue
sober skies.
like the only 24 hours with
the 4 of us – High on life
for a drop of a day in our sea of inebriation.

klondike bars – in playground telephones
what would you do? harry
potter in a bucket wizard’s
cap looking up at the top
right
window. do you see?
she is there. dancing
for an invisible
man. do not
stare! espresso shots
hit the spot. and the sky is so pretty.
warm, but still
need to borrow your jacket.
mmm….smells like boy. later found out
to be the Tide and Snuggles <3
friendship in full. in an
overcast of drugs and drinking
life has kept us High
above the clouds
today.

sillyness is Sweet.
innocence. four once.
just sit. stare. and smile

no one can take that away from me and never will.

when…

i was young. my parents told me
i could be anything
i wanted to be. and
i believed them. and
i dreamed big as big as
i could.

so…
when did my dreams fall away
and reality wake me?

splashing the cold water of
real life dillemas and problems onto
those aspirations that kept me warm
my whole childhood sleep.

keep trying to press
SNOOZE
on the world’s alarm clock
but cannot turn off the time
and it keeps moving forward
and i move with it.

i try to trick it.
i keep trying to fall back asleep to re-enter where
i was in childhood.
i dream big. maybe bigger than how
i used to. because
i still hold onto my dream, onto what
i was told by my parents because they would never lie.
i can be whatever
i want to be. whenever. even if
i had a late start in starting
i can be ME and who
i was meant to be. and
I WILL <3

gone

the ones that are supposed to be the closest
seem so distant.
so cold and never understand
i want appreciation
seek validation
just to please you. so badly.
but nothing
no congratulations
no pat on the back
just finger pointing at the fact
that i am inconsiderate
and am too lazy
that i would just leave in a second
and forget who you are.

but can you blame me?

my protectors are the ones hurting me
unconditional love is shown by judging
at how i was never enough
in any arena i took part in
and i’m supposed to sit and smile and get up
and do shit for you?

i do not think so

you hurt me.
i hate you
seriously.
and it hurts that i could be so cold

but really…
can you blame me?

never enough

the oldest
seems to get the worst
of it all. the tester
and if you mess her
up, it’s fine
you have another to raise right
this time.
a second try to
do what you should
have done at first.  better
late than never!

little girl
might have been elder
but she was in her youth
once and she felt the abuse
the neglect
the always correcting
even when she tried her best.
never good enough, she ran
to others for compliments
mostly those of the male physique
and each critique
she received hurt her deep
inside.
even tho you might not have seen her cry
soft tears rolled down her young face
because she is so weak and not worth anyone’s praise.

she became a mother
to all around her
but has never had anyone take care
of her needs. to listen. and still to this day
all they do is take
they don’t see what she sacrifices…
she doesn’t seek outside
the immediate
but still wants it.
to feel appreciated
for one. split.
second!

i have hope that day will come
when nothing
needs to be coaxed
and a “good job” comes from inside their throats
through their vocal chords
past their lips
and into my ears. a moment
i will cherish
and it WILL come…one day
and until then. i patiently wait…

lullaby

whisper, sing, softer…
move closer so she can hear
rock her back and forth
over again, over, over
i can feel her inside.
tears fill my eyes

i can’t keep her
not now, not in this world
she is me at this moment
she is mine to protect
until that day comes and it is true.
not tonight. so i continue…

hush my sweet baby
go to sleep now and i will be here when you wake
i can never leave you, i love you too much, so
i will never leave you, never let go.

you’re my sweet little girl
and i will save you from this world.
mommy will buy you that mocking bird
diamond ring, looking glass
whatever you ask and things you can only imagine.

the day has ended and the moon is asking for you
to drift off to sleep and run away with the dish and spoon
but just for a little because i miss you already
i will be waiting right here when you get up from bed…

oma und opa <3

love like the ocean
deep and endless
like the galaxy
lasting eternity

as he sees her down the aisle,
coming closer, his eyes smile.
like the sun, she is radiant
and he is the luckiest man
alive.
as she gets closer, she feels warm inside
absorbing this moment
she can never forget
with this man
her husband.
as they saw their vows, tears form
because they see home
in each other
for always and ever.
“I do”
times two
In sickness and health
through thick and thin, until the end.

to my friend…

she
is a ball of happy
energy. things seem
to come so easy
but i see the lonely
she feels. sporadically coming.
feeling seems to be lingering…
little girl
who can’t see the world
lying right in front of her.
in her reach, to have and to hold,
but she feels alone.
if only she could see
the answer she seeks 
comes from inside me,
the “me” inside of herself.
others can try and help
but no one has the key
to feeling complete.
no puzzle piece is missing
no boy can do the fixing.
no need to be perfect,
mistakes will be made. things will need to be corrected,
but it’s a process
and belief in herself will lead to success.
no validity from him
can give
her more than she already has.
the world is big and might move fast
but the STRENGTH in her will outlast
…just look to her wrist
and the solution can’t be missed
permanentaly written in ink
for her to look and think
to remember that she is strong
no issue is too big. she will fight on.
challenges will be faced,
time to grow and change.
to feel whole
all on her own
and to know that it is possible…

sisterly love?

when we were little..i took care of her as if she were my own, i was told. i loved her so much…new baby sister. and i was her BIG sister! i was there to take care of her. to help guide her the right way. she was my baby just as much as mommy and daddy..then time changed everything.
i still took care of her, but we had our little sisterly fights. mostly verbal abuse is what we were threw at each other. then we would get in trouble for fighting. and we grew apart once i started middle school and we moved schools. moved states. we weren’t in the same school anymore. and we needed to make a new start by ourselves. so we did. and we never got close. we drifted apart.
up until she got alcohol poisoning. i didn’t know she smoked marijuana. i knew she smoked cigarettes. i never knew she would drink alcohol before me. and i get home. no one’s home. get a call from mom and dad. and they’re at the hospital and need me to drive there. and i go. and i see my sister. so weak. in a robe. can barely walk.
and it felt like i hadn’t seen her in years. we saw each other of course. but we never really talked. we never really hung out. and we’re only 3 years apart..and when i helped walk her down that hospital hallway it felt like i woke up. i woke up and opened my eyes. i stopped taking care of baby sister.
and even with my eyes opened. and me spending more time with her. we fell into bad things. she had worse issues that came up. and i joined in at one point. then we had physical fights. we eventually grew up together too. we quit things that needed to be quitted. i think something happened tho…
we became codependent on each other. which isn’t a healthy relationship for anyone. especially for sisters. because we see each other ALL the time. and lately, i’ve been wanting to become more independent and have positive energy around me. and i want to DO and LIVE and ACT.. not just talk about things or drink all the time. i want SOBER fun too. i want to remember most of the parts of my life. and feel feelings for real. not induced by alcohol. and she can’t do that right now.
and i’m getting fed up. but she’s my sister!!!
how do i cut my sister out of my life? that sounds SO cruel. but if i don’t cut her out a little, i’ll be hurting myself. and in turn also hurting my relationship with her…
so here i am.
stuck.
fed up.
wanting to cut her out.
Feeling like a terrible BIG sister!