25 years young <3

another year has passed
while the next has already started…
          -   so what have i learned?
i don’t know if i have…
           And where am i currently?

i am sitting in silence
letting my soul scribe pictures onto paper
words no longer serve me the way
they once did. they currently FAIL!
i am trying to feel and become aware
                             hear(t) <3
make a Life
          not a livinG…
Clear my throat
     my thoughts…..          Now Go
in peace… with it
        because of it            For Always
it is the way i will come in as how i intend to exit
            quietly….    undected

Live in the Love
          consumed by Passion…….Wishing SO HARD….      one day -
                                      in time -   soon…. maybe…possibly??
             Promise… a million times over
with each breath…..          every piece of me    - – -    drop of my soul
                      – until it is gone . . .    .    .     .      . until i am no more
i will continue to feel with         e v  e   r   y                    i  n  c  h 

a million times over
…know a little more each Visit…
until the Time <3

feeling overTake Me

 

i would be SO  great for Him!!!
i have so much Love to give.
only wish he would be open to Receiving it..

conversations come easy between the two of us
my eyes never wander
never will..my heart
will stay focused on him forever and Ever…swear!
there is no need to search for better
if he loves me back

no man exists in my world but my love
he is my center. he is here. There.
in all the spaces in between.
Devotion is my middle name
when he loves me back

he makes me smile and the only mission i have:
create an environment where he feels as happy as i am
when he is near…feel myself falling
but not as scary as first thought
because he might love me back

so i sit.
do not speak.
just wait.
in case he loves me back

it’s not what he can give
that i want but what i will give
            for him to Receive
     i want to be his shoulder to cry/lean
on.                my legs, a place for his head
    to rest
when he does not feel well
     that’s when i make a bath for him
           then bathe together in the warmth
                       our bodies
    fit like puzzle pieces
      when we fall asleep
    our breath,  once separate, now inhale as one
exhaling  together         feel the LOVE
the peace comes easy   -                 s  e    &     fa    
                                                    i                           l       
                              chests    R                                      l
     harmoniously    -      i want to do all
            this for him.   and him alone
no one else do i have this need to be there for in this way because -
how could he not love me back?

so here i wait for him (and him alone)
-  if he does not come
then i will just stay up for a little longer
     just in case he remembers 
                he loves me back <3

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM

1. Life’s metaphors are God’s instructions.
2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.
3. The day is ending. It’s time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.
4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God’s response. Let go, and watch the stars come out – on the outside and on the inside.
5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.
6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.
7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.
8. Watch the heat of day pass into the cool night. Let go.
9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It’s safe. Let go.
10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.

Eat. Pray. Love. Gilbert, E.
pages 184-5

conversation with myself

learn to let go.
give up control. let them come as they may
and stop placing them where you see fit.

but it’s so much easier when i break my own heart!
stings less
when i say when
it happens. to let go fully means to get my heart broken constantly.
to feel unwanted because of someone else instead of my own doing..
who would want that?

but if you don’t, you become crazy.
lost in the world you’ve created.
no one wants to be forced or told to do something.
he wants to do it by his own free will
so just let him come when he’s ready
stop trying to make it happen.

but waiting takes Eternity!
i want him to realize
NOW that there is no one better
that he and i make sense!
i want him to be blinded by the love
he introduced me to. can’t you see?
there is no made up fantasy land

but you’re coming on too strong.
release!
let go!!
stop dreaming!!!

but what if he never comes?
then what??

you will be fine, promise!
with a cherry on top???
you will Be Just Fine =)

…only one who knows to slow it down…

they tell me i’m stupid. that i’m fooling myself: just quit it!
nothing can come of this

but my heart does not understand
and my mind cannot comprehend
my soul will not hear any of those arguments
even in the pain, they feel perfection

exercise patience
because when we move too fast
we burn out from this love affair
so much quicker
than taking time to enjoy the silence
taking the moments to feel the comfort – so nice -
              but sometimes anxiety pushes
                                                             a tug of war inside
should i confess or keep quiet?
am i doubting or just nervous?
why is the future such a big deal and how does it scare so effortlessly?
eventually it will never come…

~ i just know that ~
staring at nothing
next to him
feels like Heaven <3
close your eyes – see the sun setting still
like you never left
clear your mind. go to your Happy Place
and notice…all you focus on is  his face
his eyes smiling
his lips warm without even touching
his aura is that of the scenary
an orangish/goldish hue…always inviting you
stop.
sit.
decide to Speak or not
just Silence will do.
only there to Stare
and feel Something
that might have been absent – just for a Second
a moment passes quickly and the Sky has faded
no more glowing Sphere to warm
just Stars to keep company until
the Sun rises in the morning
(as long as we are Still here for the experience)

i miss you.

4.11.09

Reflections can’t just be found in mirrors, you know. If you want to catch a glimpse of your true self today, you need to be honest and accept your imperfections. Trying to pretend you are perfect isn’t fooling anyone, and it could limit your growth. Put away your ego and you will be able to learn a valuable lesson about your insecurities. Who you are is not predetermined. You are a work in process. You can make all the changes you want to make, you just have to start.

i look but cannot see her
at least who she truly is…obscurred
by life’s lessons
trials and tribulations
and i want SO badly
while she continuously tells me to just relax
let things go and let them work out themselves
but i do not accept.
patience
is not a virtue i have  -

when two worlds collide

i don’t do this sober…
normally i drink myself to comfortable
but with you it’s different…just being
and doing absolutely nothing
and everything
all at once
SO FUN! <3

even in silence
enjoying this….
every single drop

at a crossroads

two paths…lying right in front
both as clear as day
one comes easier, handed to me
the other, requires more work…
so which do i choose?

the easy would come to mind
no questions to ask you’d say
BUT
there is…there ARE!
1 million and 1
how am i supposed to know
which i was put here for?

and now, i’m stuck
at the fork
trying to gaze down both
altho they are clear, i cannot see far down
and have no idea which path
forecasts what future…

which will give me a fuller life?
does it really matter which i choose?
will the outcome be THAT different?
OR substantial???

always loved you..from the first time

sing a song for me
think of me constantly
like i do…right back
wish upon me back!
let me be your heart
your soul
your indulgence
your keeper of starlite
your music box
your beautiful mess
your Everything
y o u r     l a s t      b r e a t h.
let me be a part of you
your wish
your thoughts
your being
your reason to -

be my life
my path
my best friend
my rock
my moment
my sky
i want you to be My song
my poetry
my numbness
my excitement
my irrationality
my galaxy. my Universe
my light at the end of this tunnel
my reason to smile
to wait
to remember
to dream
to write
to keep hoping
to just -
feel EVERYTHING…crazy, happy, anxious, nervous, giddy, uncontrollably…UnBelievably…*sigh*

philosophy

why am i here?
dealing with the situations at hand
the way i do…why are the people in my life
in my life?
what purpose do they serve for me/
do i serve for them?

maybe it’s all ONE BIG
coincidence…
maybe we’re all looking for answers
to a Question
that does not Exist.

do i really want to know
or is the journey and Possibility
Enough to Satisfy?

maybe the answer is not as great
as doing the work to figure “it” out…
maybe we aren’t supposed to find The
Answer. or even ANY..
maybe there is no reason
maybe there is no Purpose
no point to All This…

and maybe, i’m done guessing
and analyzing and
repeating…

Maybe.