..in need..

template
for inspirations
something to aspire
in this life
my body is a temple
 jot notes of what to remember.

never stop
never give up
when you fall, stand your ground
when you are down,
look to the sky and get lost in its Enormity
see what Surrounds
you Daily -> so amazing!
eyes shut.         Sound turned to                     Silent
just    Feel
E      v     e       r    y          P i e c e
Of Now. breathe in the  peace <3

…don’t bring me down..i beg you…won’t let you..

fully undressed
naked to everyone else -
do i continue to let this
grow within
until i am comfortable in my own skin
~ patience friend ~
but i hate all this confusion
caused by the unknown
and my imagination
- crazy combination -

maybe i should just release
some of this grasp
letting my heart Free
but she does not want that
she just wants to be received
to be heard and seen
noticed for what she wants and has to give
she is not scared
of when she might break
my mind is the one doing that
continuously replaying the scene
slightly different each time…

February 20th 2009

no. but nice hair.
wow. i wanted to get one exactly like that. she has lucky charms, she’s showing them to us.
i still think you have nice hair. who made that? wanna know my favorite quote? 
 butt touch twice and i point away, but you seem to be okay with it
stand right next to me. 580…did you take note?

unforgettable night.
i know, i’m being a little obsessive, but it was SO nice and comfortable and i wish i could do it all over. RIGHT NOW and forever. and i’ll continue to replay it to myself until time fades it away slowly…but secretly, i’ll hold pieces of it always

page 17

out of place yet at peace.
or maybe just a mirage in the back
and there is no sea you believe To Be. possibly just more of the same…
hidden
in an illusion
you Choose to see. but could never be. if that makes any sense.
although none of this does.

yet daydreaming takes any train to a day at the beach – so why not me?
all is possible.
maybe not in this realm, but someplace at sometime
nothing is impossible.
so i Choose to be here.
right now.
out of place
FULL of peace.

greyish to midnight blue

trapped. i want to explode.
to be free of this
this body
this world
this situation
                         set flight to somewhere far
FAR FAR away.
just breathe. relax. let it be…

i hate gravity
i hate the pull he has over me
i hate feeling crazy
over nothing
just stupidity…
on my part-
instinct or heart…
which is calling for him?
how are they different?
it’s easy being outside
not trapped in this mind
others have it easier
but that’s how we all see each other
because they are free
from this reality
out
and about…
not trapped – like me…

she is still a universe

can you really predict me that well?
your tone presents the fact you know how to get where others cannot
a touch with just the right feel can
send the smallest shivers vibrating harder,
deeper as it reaches an epicenter
in my heart and thoughts.
sillYness
makes it so i realize i am the only one
you get that
comfortable with.
yet
you only play with my emotions.

i do not participate.
i am the play
thing, but i am mostly to blame.
i let you affect me the way you do
- WAY TOO EASY -
i am destined to get lost. stuck
and you are my freedom from this reality
keeping me
bound to responsibilities.

so if i cannot
help but smile when you play so gently,
i guess i am a bit of a user in this situation
as well.

miss you

a teeter totter. a tug
of war. pull and push
never level.
why? i miss your face
and the way i cannot
stop myself from smiling -
genuinely. from the inside.
you never answer anymore.
quit trying a month or so ago. until tonight…
i still imagine. live in my memories.
just your energy. no romantic
thoughts or feelings. like a best friend
the brother i never had – you make me
comfortable. foggy memory i wish
to replace with clear, blue
sober skies.
like the only 24 hours with
the 4 of us – High on life
for a drop of a day in our sea of inebriation.

klondike bars – in playground telephones
what would you do? harry
potter in a bucket wizard’s
cap looking up at the top
right
window. do you see?
she is there. dancing
for an invisible
man. do not
stare! espresso shots
hit the spot. and the sky is so pretty.
warm, but still
need to borrow your jacket.
mmm….smells like boy. later found out
to be the Tide and Snuggles <3
friendship in full. in an
overcast of drugs and drinking
life has kept us High
above the clouds
today.

sillyness is Sweet.
innocence. four once.
just sit. stare. and smile

no one can take that away from me and never will.

if it’s a broken heart, then face it

how come…
people like to hurt themselves? i feel like we, especially the ladies, even tho we say we hate it, actually are in love with drama…me being one of them.
to like the person you shouldn’t like, to overanalyze and hurt yourself, to read into things, good OR bad…to want things that we know we can’t or shouldn’t have. to care SO badly about something…just to be let down in the end…

i want the wanting and longing to go away…
the pain and hurt to go away…

i just want to be happy without having to feel sad or angry or empty at first. i just want things to work out…

but no pain no gain, right?
but why does it feel like SO much pain for so LITTLE gain???

this race: life

run. as fast as i can. and i’m gonna see this race to the end.
quick. quicker. want to finish. need to finish…
don’t know how much longer i can run. thinking about taking a shortcut. cheating. to finish now. right now.immediately.
no looking back. no trying to catch a glimpse of someone following close behind. because as soon as i slow down for them. they’re going to run past me and not look back. leave me alone. again.
leaving me behind. just running. wishing i took the damn shortcut. cheated. been selfish. knowing if i hadn’t slowed to wait, i would’ve been done already. finished. at the end. done. with myself. my worries. my sadness. my waste of energy. time. everything.
i want to finish! to end! to stop fucking running! because i have no idea where this path is going to lead me and don’t know if i’m going to have the energy or strength to push through these stupid muscle cramps!!!

i am

i am NOT a robot.
i am human…a woman that has flaws…and sometimes i mess up small…others, a lot bigger…
my mouth runs sometimes without me thinking first…i don’t think about the results of my actions until it’s a little too late…
my self needs approval…codependency is a bitch!!!
trying to get people to like me backfires in my face…getting one to like me…makes a whole lot of others not…
forcing things to happen never works out…it’s a short lived happiness that fades and is forgotten easily…
to all those who i annoy…who i betray…who i bitch at for no reason…who i set expectations for…who i lie to…keep secrets from…spill secrets about…who i hurt in any way shape or form…
i am sorry…
and i can’t promise it won’t happen again…but i’ll try my hardest to be proactive with this glitch in my human self…
and hopefully, you’ll stick around…and get to know me as the imperfect person i am <3