you will not miss me
no one ever has
it’s okay. i’ve grown accustomed to it by now

they come in
want more
i give too much
too quick
then they run and hide
sporadically coming back in. but just for short periods

i am
“the Abandoned”
people leave me easily – do not think twice -
but that does not make me sad. it can’t
or else i would die
i have to be okay with it
so i am.
smile and nod
did it to myself
came on WAY too strong

when will i ever learn?
i don’t know if i can or will.
just my curse in life
those i love will leave me eventually
as they do with everyone else – no different…
right?

conversation with myself

learn to let go.
give up control. let them come as they may
and stop placing them where you see fit.

but it’s so much easier when i break my own heart!
stings less
when i say when
it happens. to let go fully means to get my heart broken constantly.
to feel unwanted because of someone else instead of my own doing..
who would want that?

but if you don’t, you become crazy.
lost in the world you’ve created.
no one wants to be forced or told to do something.
he wants to do it by his own free will
so just let him come when he’s ready
stop trying to make it happen.

but waiting takes Eternity!
i want him to realize
NOW that there is no one better
that he and i make sense!
i want him to be blinded by the love
he introduced me to. can’t you see?
there is no made up fantasy land

but you’re coming on too strong.
release!
let go!!
stop dreaming!!!

but what if he never comes?
then what??

you will be fine, promise!
with a cherry on top???
you will Be Just Fine =)

..use somebody..someone like me!

if you fear hurting me, then you are too late.
if you think that excuses will lessen the blow, then you are incorrect.
the truth will set me free from the shackles of this love.
the chains created by my own imagination
have held me hostage for some time now
and you know! i know you know who he is!
yet you let me sit in here looking at the cave walls.
at my self created, dillusional shadow figures and their stories.
this is self inflicted, yes!
but i hold onto a hope i see
in you feel the same…possibly
and until you destroy it, i will continue
to hold on. because that is all i know how to do.
you hurt me by stringing excuses in front of me
i need
Truth. but you do not give that, so
i cannot let go.

be the one i need…the one i trust most. don’t stop inspiring me…

makes sense…

through all the years taught:

two different worlds.
but there’s something there
raised differently. seeing things in a different light.
but there’s something undeniable
something.. a chemistry so tangible that the differences disappear.

the two are unalike, but there is a chance meeting
a window of opportunity.
and it doesn’t happen right away.
takes a little more time because the dissimilarity
is too strong
but they do not know how powerful the attraction is
the force cannot be stopped easily.
and it’s not.
eventually love
overcomes all
so it makes sense for me
to feel this
so undeniably
unignorable emotion. you give me butterflies
and peace and excitement
and calm and sadness from not being close
and a smile on my face from every memory or speaking your
name and pain for every second
i don’t let you in.

elegy

my heart grows heavier  with each breath
maybe mom was right  i do make up stories in my head..
dramas play out and i grow sad
all self-inflicted…no one else to blame
yet how could you not feel the pain?
senses heightened…feel the down..lost myself again

i need my high to get through this
this low makes me want to curl up and sleep infinite
where wanting does not exist
and i do not need or long for or miss
OR rely on another to make me sad or feel peace..because of him

where i do not crave that kiss
continously trying to daydream it into existence
..when will it even..it’s been a while..waiting on that moment..

stop searching for falling stars
or a well to wish upon
rollercoaster riding was never for emotions
to begin with
i opened…i am open..this is starting to hurt
but i do not know how to close it without your words
sometimes thinking and questions
hurt more than the actual rejection…
i guess
up until you’re on the other side
when ”no” feels more like dying
than “what if” wondering

how about like this…to start

i feel full from the emptiness inside
i feel trapped outside of myself
i think too much in the nothingness running through my head

it’s when the hope rises up to the top
slowly plateaus
sinks just a tiny bit
always leaving me wanting MORE
and nothing at all…

does that make any sense?

to be trapped but free
to be SO emotional yet numb
to be lost in the vast universe focused so closely
to WANT so badly
but know that possibly..
nothing
will
come
of
this…

yet i continue to dream
and fantasize
and leave myself
and imagine
and believe it JUST MIGHT…maybe…possibly

waves of negative crashing with the positive…
warring inside. leaving me no place to seek refuge.

thoughts of you make me smile and cry
to feel SO warm yet so chilly when they escape my mind
i want to move forward
but that would be the end of my life as i know it
i would be consumed
lost, never able to see daylight again. engulfed
in the trouble of love
BUT i want to FEEL it SO much

what am i supposed to do?

tears tease running down my cheeks
such sweet release
leaving me longing
calling out for more to come now!
i need something right now! at this moment!
i need more. i need to know
i need to feel. to feel comforted in your absence

and that doesn’t even start to explain this feeling…

…only one who knows to slow it down…

they tell me i’m stupid. that i’m fooling myself: just quit it!
nothing can come of this

but my heart does not understand
and my mind cannot comprehend
my soul will not hear any of those arguments
even in the pain, they feel perfection

exercise patience
because when we move too fast
we burn out from this love affair
so much quicker
than taking time to enjoy the silence
taking the moments to feel the comfort – so nice -
              but sometimes anxiety pushes
                                                             a tug of war inside
should i confess or keep quiet?
am i doubting or just nervous?
why is the future such a big deal and how does it scare so effortlessly?
eventually it will never come…

~ i just know that ~
staring at nothing
next to him
feels like Heaven <3
close your eyes – see the sun setting still
like you never left
clear your mind. go to your Happy Place
and notice…all you focus on is  his face
his eyes smiling
his lips warm without even touching
his aura is that of the scenary
an orangish/goldish hue…always inviting you
stop.
sit.
decide to Speak or not
just Silence will do.
only there to Stare
and feel Something
that might have been absent – just for a Second
a moment passes quickly and the Sky has faded
no more glowing Sphere to warm
just Stars to keep company until
the Sun rises in the morning
(as long as we are Still here for the experience)

i miss you.

it takes no time to fall in love…

you pull at my strings
do you realize?

when you are away
my heart breaks until i see your face
in real life. in sweet dreams. or just in my mind
any which way…my heart sings
and i am up in the clouds once again
light headed…i cannot think straight
just counting down the time until later
do you see?

when you are near
whether a tangible fantasy
or when the flesh is REAL
- you touch me
in the depths of my soul -
i become crazy out of control
…because…
you make my heart super happy
can you tell?

you are my inspiration
my current addiction
that i want to last forever.
i hear you calling my spirit out of this caged body
and she grows frustrated because she cannot leave
can you feel it?

while your presence is missing
this feeling
- E M P T I N E S S -
leaves me weak
my heart cries
my mind wanders
my soul screams out
do you get it yet?

i cannot think straight
i feel uncontrollably run by something other than…
i want want want want want
i need this high
because my memory is starting to fail me
not getting me to where i want to be
where i know i can be…but somehow cannot achieve currently…

how about now…
you make my heart super happy
but when you are gone, she cannot help but cry

4.11.09

Reflections can’t just be found in mirrors, you know. If you want to catch a glimpse of your true self today, you need to be honest and accept your imperfections. Trying to pretend you are perfect isn’t fooling anyone, and it could limit your growth. Put away your ego and you will be able to learn a valuable lesson about your insecurities. Who you are is not predetermined. You are a work in process. You can make all the changes you want to make, you just have to start.

i look but cannot see her
at least who she truly is…obscurred
by life’s lessons
trials and tribulations
and i want SO badly
while she continuously tells me to just relax
let things go and let them work out themselves
but i do not accept.
patience
is not a virtue i have  -

at a crossroads

two paths…lying right in front
both as clear as day
one comes easier, handed to me
the other, requires more work…
so which do i choose?

the easy would come to mind
no questions to ask you’d say
BUT
there is…there ARE!
1 million and 1
how am i supposed to know
which i was put here for?

and now, i’m stuck
at the fork
trying to gaze down both
altho they are clear, i cannot see far down
and have no idea which path
forecasts what future…

which will give me a fuller life?
does it really matter which i choose?
will the outcome be THAT different?
OR substantial???