play in reverse

words cannot seem to say what i need you to hear
do not come out the way i wish

when you are near
in person…    at the other end
    of the phone….a touch of a fingertip away
through text…the  words that come so fluidly
   solely in my thoughts – from my heart -leave
me
to myself.
nothing but silence
accompanies.
As soon as you are away, they come right back in. Leaving
no room to think.  .   .  .. . … ..

why though?
why do they vanish
              when i need them
 the most?

just the feeling and emotions
are left – but without a way to Describe
how else can i share them? even though words do no Justice -
at least they provide a Platform
    to start. without them, i have
n o t h i n   g . .. .. .   .  ..  .    .  ..   .
i need you
to    H  E  A  R  !(t)!  !!! !   me
    B  u t
without words   or a     v oi  ce
what am i left with
to do
to express what i need
to share with you?

I Love how you make me FEEL….
   I wish you Felt the same -

change of season

my tree – Once on FIRE!
   dressed in leaves of Red,
       Orange and                              Yellow
has lost to the Winter Cold
       again…
The renewed Warmth Spring Brought
    L I N G E R E D
through Fall
      Heating up right until the
end-

Everything Stopped.
Cold set in.
Frostbiting anyone who dares to come out into the cold
Freeze you to the CORE
             Each who even THINKS about being exposed
In any Way.
Best to Stay in
         Where it’s Safe and Warm.
   comfortable
maybe until next Spring…
When Loves blooms all around
           a   sea of it -             Warming the
Earth back -
        When Winter’s death
Brings Life back to Spring – When Love
     Breathes Warmth
After the rainstorms have washed away the
                unneccessary, dead
things of the past
                  Cleanse the Earth
of what is no longer needed

 

My tree- Once burning
On Fire with such passion
Has lost its magic
The Cold Wind has taken its place.

friday.nov.13th.2009.late night.rant

close my eyes. listen close…she speaks
softly, but has finally
broken her silence tonight..
listen and feel what she wants to share..pay attention..close..tears on the brink
a storm of sorrow on the verge
of coming up and showing itself..

 

listen to the music..she hears it…
shaking..i move back and forth and am possessed…
my heart has taken over my body..
…she is exhausted..she wants sleep but i do allow it…
      i keep her awake while i study
                  she is getting restless..

 

afraid once the walls are down
once the Truth is out
once we hear what we already know
the tears that start will never stop. vulnerability is a bitch…i sway
back and forth…in a trance…in silence
the music moves me…keep quiet
but inside..i hear her

screaming now…screaming at the top of her lungs
into the back of my ears…i feel the vibrations
she wants to be saved
but she won’t tell me from what.

 

no one has a hold anymore..at least i don’t think so
i’m too distracted to think of him
not now at least..but maybe that’s what’s driving her crazy
she thinks of him for me while i live life for the both of us

 

she uses my vocal chords for her screams
they do not exist in this waking world but i can feel the tingles
the temptation kills..just once…
ONE 
       LOUD
  SCREAM!!!
one sob so hard that i suffocate
on the brink of death
because that’s where i feel i am now
or that’s what she tells me…she wants to die
she wants to cease. she wants to STOP NOW..RIGHT THIS SECOND
just STOP TIME…it MOVES TOO FAST
healing takes time..let me have the time to heal

            stop the busy world
the distractions do not really distract..she feels everything
    i do not.

scatter-brainedness

there’s a breaking point for everything.
             comfort never stays comfortable
at some point an unwanted feeling comes in
                         wears out it’s welcome.
            boredom, restlessness..or just
wanting
   more – there’s a moment      a point
                       when things Flat Line.                    need Life
      resuscitate me -        bring me Back        to Life.   Feel alive
when I am walking on the Line of almost Dead
     i could Die at any moment
   the tension
where my soul feels
        like she’s at the border of Crossing
Over past limitations and confinement of this physical
body. This skin
      barrier stops her – yet she
tries to convince constantly

…in silent reverie..

i ran as fast as i could after class
the wind blowing my hair into a mess
  i  could no longer be apart
feel him, hear him calling my heart:
  “come out and play
no work of any kind tonight..just come rest under my shade” 
           Ran So Fast
i could barely keep balance
    it had been a WHOLE day
and i could no longer be away…

my tree lives in
          my secret garden
   unnoticed by any who try
        to find..although it does not hide
it turned dark tonight…quicker than normal
a shade of rusty crescent moon and purple
filled the horizon
as i lay under my tree’s branches..this feels a little different -
maybe it’s the sky?
      did night
suddenly turn light???
         no! wait! my tree -
  - the leaves -
                             – They Are Fire

oh! wait…look again…
      just the leaves changing
         
                    flooding
   down 
               orange. 
 yellow.
                             red.
all  
         raining
  down
                     covering entirely
         get lost in leaves
now part of me

surrender to serenity

The water calls to me
i hear the beauty in it’s waves.

Language has become my music
but that without sound.

His writing looks like a symphony
to me
“because it is”

then in his eyes
i saw life
Love. my soul
swimming in our eyes’ reflections.
*a twinkle*
my Star!
saying to take notice

warmth overcame me, but not in the form of heat
more in the Sense of Fullness.
no labels required
no expectations to live up to
just that moment
frozen in time
in the mind of my heart stays with me still
because that look. those eyes. his touch.
his grasp
on my Soul
… * sigh * …
i cannot help but fall
       in  
     love
over
      and
          over
              again
   replaying that scene
                  continuously 
just because

first. primeiro. erste. primo.

                              first
time we met eyes
      followed by words said
feelings realized
        and then i couldn’t get you out of my head

primeiro
        time we came together
to meet for food. by the water
     text you sent right after
and each Tempo despois de just getting better

             ersten
Mal i fantasized
      figuring out there was more
than this comfort
        level. Chemie that cannot be denied.

                                                                     primo
hug…little awkward. Repeat::feels more like home
     date..none have been official
          un Bacio…not yet. soon mi auguro..maybe
                and then who knows from there on…

but i wonder. if i could change
the way
things have turned out…said something
different
acted instead
of emphasizing on what was said…

would i? and would that even make a difference?

dear bob,

              maybe i do want a little more
i think i’m lying to both
of us..
i want to express this love
physically…   maybe
            like now…    possibly..
perhaps.. but not right now.. at this
exact moment
but soon…. with a little time is best
i think…
altho a lot has already elapsed… such a tricky
situation…  i’m a little confused with timing
                – (always have been)
what do you feel? or how do you feel about everything?

i want it to be an expression though
not something to take *this* away once you get bored.
not just sex
that once you get
you will go away like the rest
in the past…

no matter what happens next
what path is chosen to go down
         i know
             you will break my heart.
                 and that’s okay <3

*this* is good

out in the open.
all to know is known
at least for my part and the matters of my heart
no longer hiding..
more like smiling
because i have said my Peace <3

i have a crush
and idk if it’s serious
i just
know i love being near you
i can’t stop thinking about you
i continuously write your name in my
mind…scribing
it in pretend brings
a sort
of comfort…
i really really…enjoy =)

25 years young <3

another year has passed
while the next has already started…
          -   so what have i learned?
i don’t know if i have…
           And where am i currently?

i am sitting in silence
letting my soul scribe pictures onto paper
words no longer serve me the way
they once did. they currently FAIL!
i am trying to feel and become aware
                             hear(t) <3
make a Life
          not a livinG…
Clear my throat
     my thoughts…..          Now Go
in peace… with it
        because of it            For Always
it is the way i will come in as how i intend to exit
            quietly….    undected

Live in the Love
          consumed by Passion…….Wishing SO HARD….      one day -
                                      in time -   soon…. maybe…possibly??
             Promise… a million times over
with each breath…..          every piece of me    - – -    drop of my soul
                      – until it is gone . . .    .    .     .      . until i am no more
i will continue to feel with         e v  e   r   y                    i  n  c  h 

a million times over
…know a little more each Visit…
until the Time <3