..on the back and forth of it all…

They tell me to grow up
that he wants a Woman 
      Not a little girl.
  Inside – it is hard to Deny.
 My spirit feels young and *light*
When it’s dark, she brings me smiles.

the World is Cold.
Humans are inHumane

she brings me Hope.
she makes me *glow*
   The Love you see. 
         tase.    smell. 
    FEEL.
Those are all Her.
Without her, I am uncaring. unfeeling. Her Youth.
  naivete. childishness.
are Me.

when i grow “old” (whatever that means) 
         she will still live inside me.
continue to             Up 
                 pick   me 
    from the Pain of the World.
and i will keep on passing along
      the compassion
and empathy and understanding 
   to everyone in my Life.

25 years young <3

another year has passed
while the next has already started…
          -   so what have i learned?
i don’t know if i have…
           And where am i currently?

i am sitting in silence
letting my soul scribe pictures onto paper
words no longer serve me the way
they once did. they currently FAIL!
i am trying to feel and become aware
                             hear(t) <3
make a Life
          not a livinG…
Clear my throat
     my thoughts…..          Now Go
in peace… with it
        because of it            For Always
it is the way i will come in as how i intend to exit
            quietly….    undected

Live in the Love
          consumed by Passion…….Wishing SO HARD….      one day -
                                      in time -   soon…. maybe…possibly??
             Promise… a million times over
with each breath…..          every piece of me    - – -    drop of my soul
                      – until it is gone . . .    .    .     .      . until i am no more
i will continue to feel with         e v  e   r   y                    i  n  c  h 

a million times over
…know a little more each Visit…
until the Time <3

..use somebody..someone like me!

if you fear hurting me, then you are too late.
if you think that excuses will lessen the blow, then you are incorrect.
the truth will set me free from the shackles of this love.
the chains created by my own imagination
have held me hostage for some time now
and you know! i know you know who he is!
yet you let me sit in here looking at the cave walls.
at my self created, dillusional shadow figures and their stories.
this is self inflicted, yes!
but i hold onto a hope i see
in you feel the same…possibly
and until you destroy it, i will continue
to hold on. because that is all i know how to do.
you hurt me by stringing excuses in front of me
i need
Truth. but you do not give that, so
i cannot let go.

elegy

my heart grows heavier  with each breath
maybe mom was right  i do make up stories in my head..
dramas play out and i grow sad
all self-inflicted…no one else to blame
yet how could you not feel the pain?
senses heightened…feel the down..lost myself again

i need my high to get through this
this low makes me want to curl up and sleep infinite
where wanting does not exist
and i do not need or long for or miss
OR rely on another to make me sad or feel peace..because of him

where i do not crave that kiss
continously trying to daydream it into existence
..when will it even..it’s been a while..waiting on that moment..

stop searching for falling stars
or a well to wish upon
rollercoaster riding was never for emotions
to begin with
i opened…i am open..this is starting to hurt
but i do not know how to close it without your words
sometimes thinking and questions
hurt more than the actual rejection…
i guess
up until you’re on the other side
when ”no” feels more like dying
than “what if” wondering

forgot how to love

too…or so it seems
taking for granted and i just please…
for
forgiveness. i’m sorry
i didn’t know what i had…so much more
than what i continued
to complain
about constantly.

love?
knew i was
once he left
and i felt
it all break. my heart crushed
my breath failing me
my throat closing up
my tears pouring out
and this hole…

hated my family…i am SO ungrateful
can’t even write that without tearing
and dean staring at me
while i type this…cannot think straight
i just hurt and the sadness overcomes

i am a terrible person
a monster on the inside
showing her true colours. and i hate her
how much she puts down or ignores the good
how she continues to play victim
when she’s the one who PREACHES that you have control
so why don’t i
TAKE
that control and stop blaming
start loving
and enjoying the people who are here
who CHOOSE to be near
who CHOOSE not to leave
who CHOOSE to stick by me
hard times, nice times and even the ugly…

but i do not have the tools…or maybe that’s what i just tell myself to feel better about the shitty things i’ve been doing.

life isn’t about selfishness and only what I want…it’s about love. and keeping close to people. and bettering the lives of the people who are in it. and being selfless and sucking up the ego to love fully and UNCONDITIONALLY and always..and not to regret how you treat people before it becomes too late…and that can be at any time. to stop TAKING FOR GRANTEd. and just DO and BE the person i wish…not just sulking to live up to that…

we won’t break, we won’t die, it’s just a moment of Change

let Change happen.
because that moment will last a second and afterwards…all will be normal
and we won’t know each other.
and won’t remember anything.
because “WE” is in the past…
and can’t be in the present
and is VERY unlikely in the future…

i’m good. just like always.
and will continue on being that way…

i think we shouldn’t talk anymore though
UNLESS
it’s an emergency.
sorry
but i can’t deal with inconsistency – not good
for the mind
or soul
or positive goodness.

you obviously moved on -
i am moving forward.
all good! no animosity…
but it’s fine not to check in and it’s for the best.

so stop. just like i said before
and just like you agreed to…
don’t contact me in about oh…3 months
about ANYthing..to check in and BS like we left on good terms
because we didn’t. and i don’t care.
just STOP
because i’m done responding….FOR REAL

this time and everytime to come.

~ without you here with me, i can’t breathe ~

next time we meet
shyness will leave me
and a conversation
might just begin.
because who knows? you could be “him”
and i could be “her” – the ones that were meant
to combine and stick
so easily
effortlessly
hope the substance
is as real as the suspicions
of shared glances
continued by smiles
with mouths and eyes -
the static electrifies
sending rushes
of this obvious crush
down my spine and back up. stop at the heart
wish it would start
Already! beginning THE happily ever after <3

oUr reSponsibility

playing a small piece
of the melody…
short time is given
to do what is needed. but the small IS significant.
just one individual with a short amount of time
to save the world on a dime.

impossible with all the restrictions
this body’s limitations
felt each and every day.
keeping me down
bound
to this tangible reality
He
keeps me stuck in this body
trapped, my soul
realizing, i have never had ANY control.

need to B R E A Kfree

a soldier?
makes me wonder…
what for?
people suffering
and all they think about is there own greed
never letting go of selfishness, making sure
their needs
get dealt with first.

changecomequickly

maybe one day greediness will not
rule the way it does currently.
maybe in a year people will not
care who loves whom
maybe in a few months price will not
rule how animals are treated
maybe tomorrow i will
wake up from this world of individuality
AND we will all see what we do affects everyone and all around us.
AND we will try hard – not for money or selfish gain
but for the Greater GOOD in the world
maybe my ideal daydream will infect the rest of Us
and there will only be US
no more THEM

…without one or all or BOTH, the song can never
be complete…so
DIVE IN
JOIN IN
PEACE <3