gotta take the good with the bad…

love me the way you love her
is all i ask for
JUST equal, not more..
look at me the same

i know she’s always been your favorite
and that’s why i grow  jealous so quick

but just once
love me equal

please
otherwise, these
tears
will not leave me
alone.
even being close
tears me apart…
that hug…hurt my heart
because that one ounce
of care…brings me down
wanting more. knowing that day may never come
or as fast and often as i need

so please hear me:
Love Me Equally…
even if pretending.

forgot how to love

too…or so it seems
taking for granted and i just please…
for
forgiveness. i’m sorry
i didn’t know what i had…so much more
than what i continued
to complain
about constantly.

love?
knew i was
once he left
and i felt
it all break. my heart crushed
my breath failing me
my throat closing up
my tears pouring out
and this hole…

hated my family…i am SO ungrateful
can’t even write that without tearing
and dean staring at me
while i type this…cannot think straight
i just hurt and the sadness overcomes

i am a terrible person
a monster on the inside
showing her true colours. and i hate her
how much she puts down or ignores the good
how she continues to play victim
when she’s the one who PREACHES that you have control
so why don’t i
TAKE
that control and stop blaming
start loving
and enjoying the people who are here
who CHOOSE to be near
who CHOOSE not to leave
who CHOOSE to stick by me
hard times, nice times and even the ugly…

but i do not have the tools…or maybe that’s what i just tell myself to feel better about the shitty things i’ve been doing.

life isn’t about selfishness and only what I want…it’s about love. and keeping close to people. and bettering the lives of the people who are in it. and being selfless and sucking up the ego to love fully and UNCONDITIONALLY and always..and not to regret how you treat people before it becomes too late…and that can be at any time. to stop TAKING FOR GRANTEd. and just DO and BE the person i wish…not just sulking to live up to that…

miss you

a teeter totter. a tug
of war. pull and push
never level.
why? i miss your face
and the way i cannot
stop myself from smiling -
genuinely. from the inside.
you never answer anymore.
quit trying a month or so ago. until tonight…
i still imagine. live in my memories.
just your energy. no romantic
thoughts or feelings. like a best friend
the brother i never had – you make me
comfortable. foggy memory i wish
to replace with clear, blue
sober skies.
like the only 24 hours with
the 4 of us – High on life
for a drop of a day in our sea of inebriation.

klondike bars – in playground telephones
what would you do? harry
potter in a bucket wizard’s
cap looking up at the top
right
window. do you see?
she is there. dancing
for an invisible
man. do not
stare! espresso shots
hit the spot. and the sky is so pretty.
warm, but still
need to borrow your jacket.
mmm….smells like boy. later found out
to be the Tide and Snuggles <3
friendship in full. in an
overcast of drugs and drinking
life has kept us High
above the clouds
today.

sillyness is Sweet.
innocence. four once.
just sit. stare. and smile

no one can take that away from me and never will.

when…

i was young. my parents told me
i could be anything
i wanted to be. and
i believed them. and
i dreamed big as big as
i could.

so…
when did my dreams fall away
and reality wake me?

splashing the cold water of
real life dillemas and problems onto
those aspirations that kept me warm
my whole childhood sleep.

keep trying to press
SNOOZE
on the world’s alarm clock
but cannot turn off the time
and it keeps moving forward
and i move with it.

i try to trick it.
i keep trying to fall back asleep to re-enter where
i was in childhood.
i dream big. maybe bigger than how
i used to. because
i still hold onto my dream, onto what
i was told by my parents because they would never lie.
i can be whatever
i want to be. whenever. even if
i had a late start in starting
i can be ME and who
i was meant to be. and
I WILL <3

gone

the ones that are supposed to be the closest
seem so distant.
so cold and never understand
i want appreciation
seek validation
just to please you. so badly.
but nothing
no congratulations
no pat on the back
just finger pointing at the fact
that i am inconsiderate
and am too lazy
that i would just leave in a second
and forget who you are.

but can you blame me?

my protectors are the ones hurting me
unconditional love is shown by judging
at how i was never enough
in any arena i took part in
and i’m supposed to sit and smile and get up
and do shit for you?

i do not think so

you hurt me.
i hate you
seriously.
and it hurts that i could be so cold

but really…
can you blame me?

mixed emotions

night. in the dark. alone.
but emptiness is nowhere to be found.

happiness doesn’t feel the same without drama or sadness
to show an opposing point of view. but those negative thoughts
are not allowed. not welcome.

his warm body is no longer around
making everything hot, forcing out those hiding from under bedsheets.
yet still a tingling sensation rushes throughout
the warm air tonight touches nicer; caresses just fine

smiles are not forced anymore. frowns never come to visit.
tears of sadness are a distant memory
a sense of fullness. accomplishment. wholeness
does not hide because it cannot hide
out in the open. naked. exposed. for all to see

even through the shadows of twilight
it illuminates past
no matter what hour, this little light will shine.
leaving others wondering where it’s coming from.

a recluse – life moves too fast
the world should slow down.
need more time:

time to reflect. on past, present, future
alone. hope they can understand…

8.15.08

i sit alone in the dark. typing on the computer. i can’t go to sleep, insomnia has kicked in and only time can help me now.
but as i sit and type, i think of the negative thoughts festering in my mind. opinions about the people i care about the most. punishments i have secretly given them.
i think…why? how can i treat those closest to me like strangers, like i never loved them or respected who they are as human beings? expectations set that no one could live up to. with one wrong move, they move onto my shitlist. and i get angry at them. no longer emotionally invested. i have packed up and run away. trust has been lost and i don’t know if i want to go out looking for it.
i need space. i crave space. i take space.
but space does not solve the problem.
the issue still exists when i return.
so what next?
abandon again? forget forever?
no!
those are patterns i do not want to continue. those are issues i have tried my hardest to work past and i am NOT reverting back! not again. not ever.
cannot preach peace if i do not practice.
cannot advocate love for all if i do not follow.

you get what you give. you receive what you send out,
so time to wipe the slate clean and start over.
maybe even begin where we left off before <3

it’s funny

…how the words come when i’m not ready. how the thoughts fill my mind when i don’t want them. and when i’m prepared and waiting…nothing. so funny. my timing has always been off; not different with my writing. i should just carry a pen and pad of paper everywhere i go to catch those random sayings flying in and out of my head.

lately, i’ve been feeling guilty. for the happiness i am feeling. the wholeness i have been achieving all on my own. with friends and family holding me up here and there when i start to slip. i am starting to awaken from this nightmare. a nightmare that lasted a little over 3 years. it was never healthy. it was never going to last. but i gave in, said yes, and it all came tumbling down with me following and continuing for a short while after.
i thought he was the one. i thought he wanted to change. not for me but for him, for us. but i was wrong. and i failed. we failed. and sometimes i crave it. want it back. but realize that i’m just addicted to drama. and that needs to cease. immediately.
he hurt my ego. ran away. hid, never to be sought out. and i still catch myself asking myself “am i really that bad?” “will no one ever want me again?” “if an ass like him left, how would i be able to keep a good one?” but i need to realize that he left. and that doesn’t paint the picture for the rest of my life. i will find someone when i am ready. and i’m not right now. i need ME time. i need to stick with school. i need friends. GOOD friends. not a boyfriend who will toy with my heart. or distract me more than i already get now.
i hate to admit that i miss the closeness. and him at times. and i wonder if he thinks about me too. if he wonders how i’m doing. what i look like. if i’m thinking about him…but it was the most unhealthy relationship. my first and only boyfriend turned into a husband a year and a half in, that is not normal. and i don’t know why i married him. i swear he asked me, but he recollects a different story.
the guilt is short lived though because the smiles overwrite all other emotions. yet at night right before i go to sleep sometimes i think his name. a whisper, so soft, only my mind can hear it. and i think of how much stronger i am now. and even though things ended pretty badly,
i thank him.
because if i hadn’t met him and events hadn’t happened, i wouldn’t be here. right now. in this moment. with the people in my life. with my family. with deaners. with me being happy and whole. alone. by myself. and not relying on a man – controlling my every emotion. getting me lost and distracted and off my path.

sisterly love?

when we were little..i took care of her as if she were my own, i was told. i loved her so much…new baby sister. and i was her BIG sister! i was there to take care of her. to help guide her the right way. she was my baby just as much as mommy and daddy..then time changed everything.
i still took care of her, but we had our little sisterly fights. mostly verbal abuse is what we were threw at each other. then we would get in trouble for fighting. and we grew apart once i started middle school and we moved schools. moved states. we weren’t in the same school anymore. and we needed to make a new start by ourselves. so we did. and we never got close. we drifted apart.
up until she got alcohol poisoning. i didn’t know she smoked marijuana. i knew she smoked cigarettes. i never knew she would drink alcohol before me. and i get home. no one’s home. get a call from mom and dad. and they’re at the hospital and need me to drive there. and i go. and i see my sister. so weak. in a robe. can barely walk.
and it felt like i hadn’t seen her in years. we saw each other of course. but we never really talked. we never really hung out. and we’re only 3 years apart..and when i helped walk her down that hospital hallway it felt like i woke up. i woke up and opened my eyes. i stopped taking care of baby sister.
and even with my eyes opened. and me spending more time with her. we fell into bad things. she had worse issues that came up. and i joined in at one point. then we had physical fights. we eventually grew up together too. we quit things that needed to be quitted. i think something happened tho…
we became codependent on each other. which isn’t a healthy relationship for anyone. especially for sisters. because we see each other ALL the time. and lately, i’ve been wanting to become more independent and have positive energy around me. and i want to DO and LIVE and ACT.. not just talk about things or drink all the time. i want SOBER fun too. i want to remember most of the parts of my life. and feel feelings for real. not induced by alcohol. and she can’t do that right now.
and i’m getting fed up. but she’s my sister!!!
how do i cut my sister out of my life? that sounds SO cruel. but if i don’t cut her out a little, i’ll be hurting myself. and in turn also hurting my relationship with her…
so here i am.
stuck.
fed up.
wanting to cut her out.
Feeling like a terrible BIG sister!