forgot how to love

too…or so it seems
taking for granted and i just please…
for
forgiveness. i’m sorry
i didn’t know what i had…so much more
than what i continued
to complain
about constantly.

love?
knew i was
once he left
and i felt
it all break. my heart crushed
my breath failing me
my throat closing up
my tears pouring out
and this hole…

hated my family…i am SO ungrateful
can’t even write that without tearing
and dean staring at me
while i type this…cannot think straight
i just hurt and the sadness overcomes

i am a terrible person
a monster on the inside
showing her true colours. and i hate her
how much she puts down or ignores the good
how she continues to play victim
when she’s the one who PREACHES that you have control
so why don’t i
TAKE
that control and stop blaming
start loving
and enjoying the people who are here
who CHOOSE to be near
who CHOOSE not to leave
who CHOOSE to stick by me
hard times, nice times and even the ugly…

but i do not have the tools…or maybe that’s what i just tell myself to feel better about the shitty things i’ve been doing.

life isn’t about selfishness and only what I want…it’s about love. and keeping close to people. and bettering the lives of the people who are in it. and being selfless and sucking up the ego to love fully and UNCONDITIONALLY and always..and not to regret how you treat people before it becomes too late…and that can be at any time. to stop TAKING FOR GRANTEd. and just DO and BE the person i wish…not just sulking to live up to that…

we won’t break, we won’t die, it’s just a moment of Change

let Change happen.
because that moment will last a second and afterwards…all will be normal
and we won’t know each other.
and won’t remember anything.
because “WE” is in the past…
and can’t be in the present
and is VERY unlikely in the future…

i’m good. just like always.
and will continue on being that way…

i think we shouldn’t talk anymore though
UNLESS
it’s an emergency.
sorry
but i can’t deal with inconsistency – not good
for the mind
or soul
or positive goodness.

you obviously moved on -
i am moving forward.
all good! no animosity…
but it’s fine not to check in and it’s for the best.

so stop. just like i said before
and just like you agreed to…
don’t contact me in about oh…3 months
about ANYthing..to check in and BS like we left on good terms
because we didn’t. and i don’t care.
just STOP
because i’m done responding….FOR REAL

this time and everytime to come.

gotta get my head right

seconds
continue to take helpings.
never stopping

Very big problem
so many Excuses…

just want to go on abusing
Her.
who cares – want another
course of hurt
take advantage of this Girl
no love needed
She is Free
to use up…all on Me

love is unWanted. i ask please
do not say anything
no kissing, no sweet nothings
whispered in our ears.
no breath
lingering on my neck.
just unzip. pull down
and let me get Down.
i am unWorthy of any praise
just use Her up and throw Me away.

through a looking glass…

the vibrations lead us
instincts from the gut
appear
seamlessly
unquestioned
never mentioned
why or how — listen!
to the empty space between
the tangible things
indescribable
answers incapable
to reason rationalizations
does not make sense
cannot make sense:
taste my teeth
smell my tears
hear my soul
see the control
feel everying
AND nothing
at the exact same time.
and do not question “How” or “Why” -
Just Do <3

better with time?

he sings to me
tells me
he made a mistake
and he hasn’t been able
to sleep for this whole time.
that i am on his mind
constantly…

holds me
close to him so he can feel
the beat of my heart
never wanting to be apart.
he has cried
forever – dying inside
he is so sorry.

kisses me
he never wanted to leave
he was scared
and wasn’t prepared
for something that felt like it did
and that’s why he hid
but no more. he never stopped loving.

i feel safe
in the way
he speaks, holds and kisses
so sweetly. all things i miss
so dearly…but time has gone by
and i have cried
so hard. i couldn’t wait -

i want to be weak
just for a second
lose myself for a moment
and dream of him and me
living how it should have been
happily ever after
tears of laughter
pain from smiling
just a little while
too long
but his song
hits hard and hits home
and altho i haven’t waited. the love hasn’t gone
and i don’t know if it ever would…

mixed emotions

night. in the dark. alone.
but emptiness is nowhere to be found.

happiness doesn’t feel the same without drama or sadness
to show an opposing point of view. but those negative thoughts
are not allowed. not welcome.

his warm body is no longer around
making everything hot, forcing out those hiding from under bedsheets.
yet still a tingling sensation rushes throughout
the warm air tonight touches nicer; caresses just fine

smiles are not forced anymore. frowns never come to visit.
tears of sadness are a distant memory
a sense of fullness. accomplishment. wholeness
does not hide because it cannot hide
out in the open. naked. exposed. for all to see

even through the shadows of twilight
it illuminates past
no matter what hour, this little light will shine.
leaving others wondering where it’s coming from.

a recluse – life moves too fast
the world should slow down.
need more time:

time to reflect. on past, present, future
alone. hope they can understand…