you will not miss me
no one ever has
it’s okay. i’ve grown accustomed to it by now

they come in
want more
i give too much
too quick
then they run and hide
sporadically coming back in. but just for short periods

i am
“the Abandoned”
people leave me easily – do not think twice -
but that does not make me sad. it can’t
or else i would die
i have to be okay with it
so i am.
smile and nod
did it to myself
came on WAY too strong

when will i ever learn?
i don’t know if i can or will.
just my curse in life
those i love will leave me eventually
as they do with everyone else – no different…
right?

greyish to midnight blue

trapped. i want to explode.
to be free of this
this body
this world
this situation
                         set flight to somewhere far
FAR FAR away.
just breathe. relax. let it be…

i hate gravity
i hate the pull he has over me
i hate feeling crazy
over nothing
just stupidity…
on my part-
instinct or heart…
which is calling for him?
how are they different?
it’s easy being outside
not trapped in this mind
others have it easier
but that’s how we all see each other
because they are free
from this reality
out
and about…
not trapped – like me…

we won’t break, we won’t die, it’s just a moment of Change

let Change happen.
because that moment will last a second and afterwards…all will be normal
and we won’t know each other.
and won’t remember anything.
because “WE” is in the past…
and can’t be in the present
and is VERY unlikely in the future…

i’m good. just like always.
and will continue on being that way…

i think we shouldn’t talk anymore though
UNLESS
it’s an emergency.
sorry
but i can’t deal with inconsistency – not good
for the mind
or soul
or positive goodness.

you obviously moved on -
i am moving forward.
all good! no animosity…
but it’s fine not to check in and it’s for the best.

so stop. just like i said before
and just like you agreed to…
don’t contact me in about oh…3 months
about ANYthing..to check in and BS like we left on good terms
because we didn’t. and i don’t care.
just STOP
because i’m done responding….FOR REAL

this time and everytime to come.

better with time?

he sings to me
tells me
he made a mistake
and he hasn’t been able
to sleep for this whole time.
that i am on his mind
constantly…

holds me
close to him so he can feel
the beat of my heart
never wanting to be apart.
he has cried
forever – dying inside
he is so sorry.

kisses me
he never wanted to leave
he was scared
and wasn’t prepared
for something that felt like it did
and that’s why he hid
but no more. he never stopped loving.

i feel safe
in the way
he speaks, holds and kisses
so sweetly. all things i miss
so dearly…but time has gone by
and i have cried
so hard. i couldn’t wait -

i want to be weak
just for a second
lose myself for a moment
and dream of him and me
living how it should have been
happily ever after
tears of laughter
pain from smiling
just a little while
too long
but his song
hits hard and hits home
and altho i haven’t waited. the love hasn’t gone
and i don’t know if it ever would…

for those who didn’t know…

so i learned something in my English class today. but some context first…
on saturday, jodie and i were waiting for a ride so we could go to Target and get a slip’n’slide. we were on post and divisadero and saw some men on horses down the block…towards Geary, so we decided to stray that way for a second…we noticed they were all African American males on horses. and asked one of them what was going on..he said that it was a Juneteenth Parade they were participating in. i know i heard of it on KMEL a few days before while driving in my car, but it was never explained to me what it was. and i didn’t want to look ignorant, so didn’t ask what Juneteenth represented…
the part of the parade we saw was pretty AWESOME tho, and we stayed for a little before getting picked up and heading to Target…sidetracking to pick up Miss Sparkle first tho…
but now i’m digressing…so to continue on with my story…
in English today, we were talking about essays and how they are formatted. sometimes having stories explain how to write something is necessary, so when explaining how to “hook” the audience while using history and facts, my teacher was telling us a story. about when the Civil War ended and when slaves were freed on January 1, 1863. well, most slaves…because they weren’t ALL emancipated at the same time…Texas didn’t get the memo and didn’t liberate their slaves until June 19, 1865!!!
and she didn’t state that this was what Juneteenth was, but i came to that conclusion on my home. so as when i got home, i googled it..and it’s true and EXTREMELY sad.
so now with what was my ignorance, i share with all of you.
and now you can say you learned something today.
and You Are Very Welcome