you will not miss me
no one ever has
it’s okay. i’ve grown accustomed to it by now

they come in
want more
i give too much
too quick
then they run and hide
sporadically coming back in. but just for short periods

i am
“the Abandoned”
people leave me easily – do not think twice -
but that does not make me sad. it can’t
or else i would die
i have to be okay with it
so i am.
smile and nod
did it to myself
came on WAY too strong

when will i ever learn?
i don’t know if i can or will.
just my curse in life
those i love will leave me eventually
as they do with everyone else – no different…
right?

conversation with myself

learn to let go.
give up control. let them come as they may
and stop placing them where you see fit.

but it’s so much easier when i break my own heart!
stings less
when i say when
it happens. to let go fully means to get my heart broken constantly.
to feel unwanted because of someone else instead of my own doing..
who would want that?

but if you don’t, you become crazy.
lost in the world you’ve created.
no one wants to be forced or told to do something.
he wants to do it by his own free will
so just let him come when he’s ready
stop trying to make it happen.

but waiting takes Eternity!
i want him to realize
NOW that there is no one better
that he and i make sense!
i want him to be blinded by the love
he introduced me to. can’t you see?
there is no made up fantasy land

but you’re coming on too strong.
release!
let go!!
stop dreaming!!!

but what if he never comes?
then what??

you will be fine, promise!
with a cherry on top???
you will Be Just Fine =)

gotta take the good with the bad…

love me the way you love her
is all i ask for
JUST equal, not more..
look at me the same

i know she’s always been your favorite
and that’s why i grow  jealous so quick

but just once
love me equal

please
otherwise, these
tears
will not leave me
alone.
even being close
tears me apart…
that hug…hurt my heart
because that one ounce
of care…brings me down
wanting more. knowing that day may never come
or as fast and often as i need

so please hear me:
Love Me Equally…
even if pretending.

how about like this…to start

i feel full from the emptiness inside
i feel trapped outside of myself
i think too much in the nothingness running through my head

it’s when the hope rises up to the top
slowly plateaus
sinks just a tiny bit
always leaving me wanting MORE
and nothing at all…

does that make any sense?

to be trapped but free
to be SO emotional yet numb
to be lost in the vast universe focused so closely
to WANT so badly
but know that possibly..
nothing
will
come
of
this…

yet i continue to dream
and fantasize
and leave myself
and imagine
and believe it JUST MIGHT…maybe…possibly

waves of negative crashing with the positive…
warring inside. leaving me no place to seek refuge.

thoughts of you make me smile and cry
to feel SO warm yet so chilly when they escape my mind
i want to move forward
but that would be the end of my life as i know it
i would be consumed
lost, never able to see daylight again. engulfed
in the trouble of love
BUT i want to FEEL it SO much

what am i supposed to do?

tears tease running down my cheeks
such sweet release
leaving me longing
calling out for more to come now!
i need something right now! at this moment!
i need more. i need to know
i need to feel. to feel comforted in your absence

and that doesn’t even start to explain this feeling…

at a crossroads

two paths…lying right in front
both as clear as day
one comes easier, handed to me
the other, requires more work…
so which do i choose?

the easy would come to mind
no questions to ask you’d say
BUT
there is…there ARE!
1 million and 1
how am i supposed to know
which i was put here for?

and now, i’m stuck
at the fork
trying to gaze down both
altho they are clear, i cannot see far down
and have no idea which path
forecasts what future…

which will give me a fuller life?
does it really matter which i choose?
will the outcome be THAT different?
OR substantial???

love is fleeting

almost 2 years
and i can still feel
the feeling of my heart breaking…
crumbling   e v e r y   l i t t l e    p i e c e
…i couldn’t      b r e a t h e
wanting life to cease.
                     <shut my eyes>
praying for death to take me
saving me
from this unimaginable Reality -
so with my history
how can hope exist to Be…

forgot how to love

too…or so it seems
taking for granted and i just please…
for
forgiveness. i’m sorry
i didn’t know what i had…so much more
than what i continued
to complain
about constantly.

love?
knew i was
once he left
and i felt
it all break. my heart crushed
my breath failing me
my throat closing up
my tears pouring out
and this hole…

hated my family…i am SO ungrateful
can’t even write that without tearing
and dean staring at me
while i type this…cannot think straight
i just hurt and the sadness overcomes

i am a terrible person
a monster on the inside
showing her true colours. and i hate her
how much she puts down or ignores the good
how she continues to play victim
when she’s the one who PREACHES that you have control
so why don’t i
TAKE
that control and stop blaming
start loving
and enjoying the people who are here
who CHOOSE to be near
who CHOOSE not to leave
who CHOOSE to stick by me
hard times, nice times and even the ugly…

but i do not have the tools…or maybe that’s what i just tell myself to feel better about the shitty things i’ve been doing.

life isn’t about selfishness and only what I want…it’s about love. and keeping close to people. and bettering the lives of the people who are in it. and being selfless and sucking up the ego to love fully and UNCONDITIONALLY and always..and not to regret how you treat people before it becomes too late…and that can be at any time. to stop TAKING FOR GRANTEd. and just DO and BE the person i wish…not just sulking to live up to that…

better with time?

he sings to me
tells me
he made a mistake
and he hasn’t been able
to sleep for this whole time.
that i am on his mind
constantly…

holds me
close to him so he can feel
the beat of my heart
never wanting to be apart.
he has cried
forever – dying inside
he is so sorry.

kisses me
he never wanted to leave
he was scared
and wasn’t prepared
for something that felt like it did
and that’s why he hid
but no more. he never stopped loving.

i feel safe
in the way
he speaks, holds and kisses
so sweetly. all things i miss
so dearly…but time has gone by
and i have cried
so hard. i couldn’t wait -

i want to be weak
just for a second
lose myself for a moment
and dream of him and me
living how it should have been
happily ever after
tears of laughter
pain from smiling
just a little while
too long
but his song
hits hard and hits home
and altho i haven’t waited. the love hasn’t gone
and i don’t know if it ever would…

gone

the ones that are supposed to be the closest
seem so distant.
so cold and never understand
i want appreciation
seek validation
just to please you. so badly.
but nothing
no congratulations
no pat on the back
just finger pointing at the fact
that i am inconsiderate
and am too lazy
that i would just leave in a second
and forget who you are.

but can you blame me?

my protectors are the ones hurting me
unconditional love is shown by judging
at how i was never enough
in any arena i took part in
and i’m supposed to sit and smile and get up
and do shit for you?

i do not think so

you hurt me.
i hate you
seriously.
and it hurts that i could be so cold

but really…
can you blame me?

ready

as i light my cigarette the wind blows and the lighter’s flame goes out. how quickly something can just disappear like that the breath of air wasn’t even that strong…

and i realize that i want to be in love again. madly in love with someone. to feel it burning inside me, not being able to wait until i can see them again. the feeling right when you pop that pill and it finally hits. talking on the phone, his voice makes me smile an uncontrollable smile. cannot stop, don’t really want to. i want him to be my life. my everything!

i seek to be irrational once more. to listen to my heart. to never want to let him go. to anticipate for the next text, call, anything to bring me closer to him. i want him to control my emotions. i want to have no more control. lose myself in him and us and love. tunnel vision here i come! i want his kiss to give me goosebumps. his touch to make me want more. to finally orgasm again!

sex is nothing without love. NOTHING! it’s fun for a little but meaningless and i do not want meaningless to exist in my life. i want all i do to MEAN something all over again. he and i cried making love because we felt it all over. could not stop the love tears from coming. didn’t want to. felt so close. he was inside of me. everywhere. in my body, thoughts, mind, soul…

crushes come and go and it feels like they last shorter and shorter as time goes on. it has been over a year and i am over the last, but something is not right. just does not feel right.

ever since gabe left, i have not been ready. or at least that’s what i have been repeating in my mind and heart. i do not have the time. the energy. but maybe it’s because i am afraid. of the possibilities. of the let downs. of the outcomes. i was hurt so badly before and don’t think i am strong enough right now. i have not recovered from the last time. my wall is higher this time. harder to climb over. booby traps everywhere.

i don’t know how he ever got past, but he did. i pushed and he pushed right back. i could not resist him. he insisted and i gave in to just get hurt in the end. my heart broke for a week before he finally took and ran. never returning calls, not saying a word, just up and ran away. and i could not breathe. and i wanted to just hold my breath forever, to just end everything then and there. mood swings. hate, love, sadness, anger…came in waves. stopped caring about myself. drank a lot, tried to fuck the pain away. but that never works. the hurt does not just disappear and i started to lose respect for myself. tried reassuring myself i could be alone and okay.

but what is life without love? MEANINGLESS. and i am ready. i want it! i crave it! i won’t be looking for it, but hope that it just shows up in my life. i feel whole alone. i feel happy by myself without romance or a boy. i love me. i am ready for someone else to love me too.

i just want to feel again. ups and downs and everything in between. to feel alive. and i will try to protect that flame with all the power i contain. to make sure the air doesn’t get wind of it and blow it out. to keep the fire going and lasting and burning and growing and living