friday.nov.13th.2009.late night.rant

close my eyes. listen close…she speaks
softly, but has finally
broken her silence tonight..
listen and feel what she wants to share..pay attention..close..tears on the brink
a storm of sorrow on the verge
of coming up and showing itself..

 

listen to the music..she hears it…
shaking..i move back and forth and am possessed…
my heart has taken over my body..
…she is exhausted..she wants sleep but i do allow it…
      i keep her awake while i study
                  she is getting restless..

 

afraid once the walls are down
once the Truth is out
once we hear what we already know
the tears that start will never stop. vulnerability is a bitch…i sway
back and forth…in a trance…in silence
the music moves me…keep quiet
but inside..i hear her

screaming now…screaming at the top of her lungs
into the back of my ears…i feel the vibrations
she wants to be saved
but she won’t tell me from what.

 

no one has a hold anymore..at least i don’t think so
i’m too distracted to think of him
not now at least..but maybe that’s what’s driving her crazy
she thinks of him for me while i live life for the both of us

 

she uses my vocal chords for her screams
they do not exist in this waking world but i can feel the tingles
the temptation kills..just once…
ONE 
       LOUD
  SCREAM!!!
one sob so hard that i suffocate
on the brink of death
because that’s where i feel i am now
or that’s what she tells me…she wants to die
she wants to cease. she wants to STOP NOW..RIGHT THIS SECOND
just STOP TIME…it MOVES TOO FAST
healing takes time..let me have the time to heal

            stop the busy world
the distractions do not really distract..she feels everything
    i do not.

Love…

is a virus.
takes hold of it’s host
             uses her up
in ways she never knew. Lovesick
             She Is
diseased.
       w a lk  in  g     th e    l  in  e
     of Life
and Death.     jealousy. anxiety
always questioning.
- it is a State of Constant Angst -
so close i can   smell.       taste.
             see.     hear.
touch.                 right there!
a few     i n   c  h  e s     more.  within my
    grasp.               why can’t i?
Just this Once…                         P  l  e  a   s e.
Pl ea se.          P l e  a  s e.    Please.
i never ask for anything -
    okay…  maybe that’s a lie, but still -
To lay with him, is all I ask.
To hold his hand.
To touch his face. To kiss gently. To feel his breath all over.
To get lost when he enters

..on the back and forth of it all…

They tell me to grow up
that he wants a Woman 
      Not a little girl.
  Inside – it is hard to Deny.
 My spirit feels young and *light*
When it’s dark, she brings me smiles.

the World is Cold.
Humans are inHumane

she brings me Hope.
she makes me *glow*
   The Love you see. 
         tase.    smell. 
    FEEL.
Those are all Her.
Without her, I am uncaring. unfeeling. Her Youth.
  naivete. childishness.
are Me.

when i grow “old” (whatever that means) 
         she will still live inside me.
continue to             Up 
                 pick   me 
    from the Pain of the World.
and i will keep on passing along
      the compassion
and empathy and understanding 
   to everyone in my Life.

in a few months…

dreams keep us warm
deliver us from the boredom of reality

yet they trick and we
hold on..but who can really blame?

happy thoughts make us fly
places unimaginable…
without fantasy, we are sunk down to the depths of life’s muck

left alone to come up

                alone.

is that even possible?
may never find out…

sleep comes easy
sleep comes quick
sleep invites me over to lay with him
i cannot help but follow…

need his seduction stories of fantasies fulfilled
in slumber
to finally breath
          into
      life
this
    very
         second.

surrender to serenity

The water calls to me
i hear the beauty in it’s waves.

Language has become my music
but that without sound.

His writing looks like a symphony
to me
“because it is”

then in his eyes
i saw life
Love. my soul
swimming in our eyes’ reflections.
*a twinkle*
my Star!
saying to take notice

warmth overcame me, but not in the form of heat
more in the Sense of Fullness.
no labels required
no expectations to live up to
just that moment
frozen in time
in the mind of my heart stays with me still
because that look. those eyes. his touch.
his grasp
on my Soul
… * sigh * …
i cannot help but fall
       in  
     love
over
      and
          over
              again
   replaying that scene
                  continuously 
just because

starlite. starbrite.

tonite
my star said hello.
a small glow
a halo
of soft light surrounded
as it danced for me.
played with me..trying to hide
in the night sky
randomly disappearing
but just for a moment..then it reappeared
to remind me that it was still here.

my star came out tonite
i know it had to be mine
looking at the others, none popped out like this one
one of the smallest
with the glow making it’s briteness just a little less
but not in my eyes…my heart felt it. and still does

my star calls out and tells me stories
it listens
and is there for me to cry to
It gives me strength
and makes me smile
my star is amazing. and i love it.

>-   <3    =)

first. primeiro. erste. primo.

                              first
time we met eyes
      followed by words said
feelings realized
        and then i couldn’t get you out of my head

primeiro
        time we came together
to meet for food. by the water
     text you sent right after
and each Tempo despois de just getting better

             ersten
Mal i fantasized
      figuring out there was more
than this comfort
        level. Chemie that cannot be denied.

                                                                     primo
hug…little awkward. Repeat::feels more like home
     date..none have been official
          un Bacio…not yet. soon mi auguro..maybe
                and then who knows from there on…

but i wonder. if i could change
the way
things have turned out…said something
different
acted instead
of emphasizing on what was said…

would i? and would that even make a difference?

dear bob,

              maybe i do want a little more
i think i’m lying to both
of us..
i want to express this love
physically…   maybe
            like now…    possibly..
perhaps.. but not right now.. at this
exact moment
but soon…. with a little time is best
i think…
altho a lot has already elapsed… such a tricky
situation…  i’m a little confused with timing
                – (always have been)
what do you feel? or how do you feel about everything?

i want it to be an expression though
not something to take *this* away once you get bored.
not just sex
that once you get
you will go away like the rest
in the past…

no matter what happens next
what path is chosen to go down
         i know
             you will break my heart.
                 and that’s okay <3

*this* is good

out in the open.
all to know is known
at least for my part and the matters of my heart
no longer hiding..
more like smiling
because i have said my Peace <3

i have a crush
and idk if it’s serious
i just
know i love being near you
i can’t stop thinking about you
i continuously write your name in my
mind…scribing
it in pretend brings
a sort
of comfort…
i really really…enjoy =)

..do you know…

clear your head for me please…
all your thoughts and anything
else that is currently consuming
your being…

Now – close yours eyes just for a second…
please…just for this moment

                     inhale
                            e   x    h  a  l    e

okay…one more thing…can i ask…
what did you see? or who did you see?
or were there no images…just a feeling?
quite possibly maybe…were any of those a glimpse of me?

because everytime
            i
close my
eyes,             i
only see you . your beautiful face shining
the way your voice makes me smile
deafening – your warm soul entrancing me to stay just a little while
longer
i cannot let go of you…you are my center
always coming back to you…never
want to Leave…i am lost in you
Passion and Love have consumed
and i do not want to let go…cannot surrender, knew
i was going to lose
me
in this journey…
but you are worth every
bit and more of the possibility.

i love you
real and true
and hope you realize that you feel the same way too
                 soon