…only one who knows to slow it down…

they tell me i’m stupid. that i’m fooling myself: just quit it!
nothing can come of this

but my heart does not understand
and my mind cannot comprehend
my soul will not hear any of those arguments
even in the pain, they feel perfection

exercise patience
because when we move too fast
we burn out from this love affair
so much quicker
than taking time to enjoy the silence
taking the moments to feel the comfort – so nice -
              but sometimes anxiety pushes
                                                             a tug of war inside
should i confess or keep quiet?
am i doubting or just nervous?
why is the future such a big deal and how does it scare so effortlessly?
eventually it will never come…

~ i just know that ~
staring at nothing
next to him
feels like Heaven <3
close your eyes – see the sun setting still
like you never left
clear your mind. go to your Happy Place
and notice…all you focus on is  his face
his eyes smiling
his lips warm without even touching
his aura is that of the scenary
an orangish/goldish hue…always inviting you
stop.
sit.
decide to Speak or not
just Silence will do.
only there to Stare
and feel Something
that might have been absent – just for a Second
a moment passes quickly and the Sky has faded
no more glowing Sphere to warm
just Stars to keep company until
the Sun rises in the morning
(as long as we are Still here for the experience)

i miss you.

love is fleeting

almost 2 years
and i can still feel
the feeling of my heart breaking…
crumbling   e v e r y   l i t t l e    p i e c e
…i couldn’t      b r e a t h e
wanting life to cease.
                     <shut my eyes>
praying for death to take me
saving me
from this unimaginable Reality -
so with my history
how can hope exist to Be…

it’s just a little lullaby to keep…

sleepy lethargy takes over me
i have no energy to defend
so can only
give In
no control, so just Release
any strength that might have been
inside of me
Deep withIn
crave sleep
never to aWaken
to the fantasy ~ Just Dream
just let it happen
just let it Be
who knows? this could be Heaven
Or Maybe
the worst Decision
my galaXy
has let into fruition -
time can Only
Tell…
time to Wait and See
and Believe in Peace will come from This <3

~ without you here with me, i can’t breathe ~

next time we meet
shyness will leave me
and a conversation
might just begin.
because who knows? you could be “him”
and i could be “her” – the ones that were meant
to combine and stick
so easily
effortlessly
hope the substance
is as real as the suspicions
of shared glances
continued by smiles
with mouths and eyes -
the static electrifies
sending rushes
of this obvious crush
down my spine and back up. stop at the heart
wish it would start
Already! beginning THE happily ever after <3

gotta get my head right

seconds
continue to take helpings.
never stopping

Very big problem
so many Excuses…

just want to go on abusing
Her.
who cares – want another
course of hurt
take advantage of this Girl
no love needed
She is Free
to use up…all on Me

love is unWanted. i ask please
do not say anything
no kissing, no sweet nothings
whispered in our ears.
no breath
lingering on my neck.
just unzip. pull down
and let me get Down.
i am unWorthy of any praise
just use Her up and throw Me away.

the only answer is “yes”

chaos drives me into
the unknown
alone
without you…

and i ask
am i ready for this?
the winding path
continues to an abyss
but i cannot see that far
and there is no light to guide
it is so dark
i squint – trying

to see a little more
but what for?

no one is ever prepared
for what life has or will throw your way -

the current chaos brings me a sort
of order
without it, i would be lost.
not being able to keep a schedule
is my calendar. everchanging -
unpredictable and perfect in it’s own sense
of the word. such beauty
i see in the mess it causes

my wish to all

push peace out
wish it upon all around. near. far. all
comes back in
back in. into my soul
deep
peace
inner peace. deep within
hold that feeling
because what you give is what you receive
out and in
repeat
push harder
get more. more. more
deep inside
all throughout
out. in. out. in
release. then hold
hold tight.
peace deep inside my soul. hold
feel it. deep. sleep. peace <3

 

cellestine prophecy

has opened my mind up..and i feel like i’ve naturally been going through the motions before the book. i’m only at the 6th insight, but i’ve stopped and actually started to think about issues the book as brought up.
what type of drama controls me? what controls mom? dad? to look at my life as a whole, as one story and figure out why i was born into this family? for what purpose? what does mom stand for in life? dad? what am i here to learn from mom? dad? and what would i change for the better in mom? in dad? at to look at my life for recurring themes…and how i’ve dealt with those issues…
and i’ve come to some conclusions.
i have always kept myself guarded. i’ve always been criticized for what i have done from my mom. i’ve always been saved by my dad (until recently). i think daddy’s lost faith in his little girl. i’ve disappointed him so many times and now i need to prove myself. that THIS second chance is the LAST second chance he needs to give me. 
people have always run from me  in times of need. when i needed people the most, they have disappeared out of my life because it was too much to deal with. so i’ve had issues with sharing my feelings or to open up to people right away.
not good. it’s made me have feelings of hate towards myself and who i am right now. but i’ve actually been working through these things lately, thanks to jodie and nick…
i’ve had one other friend in high school that helped me open up, stephanie. if you can believe it, i used to be quieter, shyer, more closed off than i am now. and stephanie opened me up to the point i am right now. and jodie is helping me open up a whole lot more…if she knows it or not. spending time with her and talking with her and listening to her and doing random things together all help me in some way or another. and nick has kept telling me to express myself and my feelings..and one of these days..it’ll stick in my head and i’ll be doing it all the time…in time tho…
and it’s sad that sometimes i feel this hate towards myself, but it’s sadder i also harbor some hate towards my parents. i feel like they’re always criticizing me and that i’ll never be good enough. but maybe that’s their way of pushing me. of telling me i can be better. that i WILL be better. that i just need to PUSH! i need to be strong and stop playing weak.
but how to find a balance between being strong and not seeming cold to all around me. to open up and not be afraid of rejection. to express myself fully without the fear of people leaving because they might not like what they see/hear.
and i can write forever on this topic. but i’ll stop now. and keep reading. and see how i come up with the answer to my problem. because even with all the OUTSIDE help from Awesome! friends. the answer will come from inside of me. i can’t have someone explain the answer to me. i need to come up with it on my own. 
although..i Love the Help and Support and Advice i’m receiving from all the Beautiful*Souled People in my Life <3

thank you!!!

no more getting lost

it’s time to take  care of myself…mentally, physically and emotionally…i’m almost 24 and haven’t done much with my life..and with this whole sobriety thing that jodie and i have been doing, i feel like it’s an awesome time to kickstart my life. to start it NOW! it’s never too late…but why hold this off anymore. this seems to be the perfect time to start challenging myself and to actually start living life <3

MENTALLY
i am going to be going to school full time starting this summer and it won’t stop for at least 3 years! and i am SO excited. just started to get into reading again..and just learning and growing and expanding my horizons.  

PHYSICALLY
not drinking and doing drugs was step 1. but i seriously need to quit smoking and eat better and exercise regularly…it’s ME time right now! and i can’t let anyone take that away from me. i need to stop telling myself i CAN’T and just get off my lazy ass and DO. become a DOER! not just a talker or wisher or complainer or giver upper…no more complaining. i put myself here. i can get myself out!

EMOTIONALLY
i will be going to therapy soon. Finally! i have issues i need to work through. and i think i know most of the issues…i just don’t know how to fix them, so hopefully miss counsellor lady can give me some tools i can work with. i also want more outlets for my emotions…which might also weave into growing mentally. but more writing. more art…collages actually. of how i feel…like i used to do in high school. it’s weird..i think i knew myself best in high school, even though those are times when you’re actually finding yourself. but since i’ve graduated..back in 2002, i’ve lost myself. lost myself to boys. wanting their attention. wanting their approval. wanting their love. lost myself to drugs. lost myself to friends. i was more into their approval than in me being happy…i forgot who i was. peer pressure is a bitch! 

but no more. i am turning a new leaf now. i am becoming a better person. a stronger person. a person i can respeCK!!! a person i can love. a person i am proud of. a person, that when i look in the mirror, i smile and know that she is the best she can be and she worked and she fought and she survived and she LIVED
She Lived Her Little Heart Out <3

 

this race: life

run. as fast as i can. and i’m gonna see this race to the end.
quick. quicker. want to finish. need to finish…
don’t know how much longer i can run. thinking about taking a shortcut. cheating. to finish now. right now.immediately.
no looking back. no trying to catch a glimpse of someone following close behind. because as soon as i slow down for them. they’re going to run past me and not look back. leave me alone. again.
leaving me behind. just running. wishing i took the damn shortcut. cheated. been selfish. knowing if i hadn’t slowed to wait, i would’ve been done already. finished. at the end. done. with myself. my worries. my sadness. my waste of energy. time. everything.
i want to finish! to end! to stop fucking running! because i have no idea where this path is going to lead me and don’t know if i’m going to have the energy or strength to push through these stupid muscle cramps!!!