*sigh*

always
amazing
words simply spoken
but how you catch that moment
is perfect. thoughts that provoke
the mind.
take my breath away each time.
favorite
lyrics
that never get old. touch deep
inside my soul. peace
is all i can feel.
smile won’t disappear
eyes open
plans open
no more hesitating
time to stop worrying and live day
by day

your appreciation for women
so real. raw. your inflection
says it all.
sing sweetly, softly and i fall <3
~ heart to ground. i am in love ~

8.15.08

i sit alone in the dark. typing on the computer. i can’t go to sleep, insomnia has kicked in and only time can help me now.
but as i sit and type, i think of the negative thoughts festering in my mind. opinions about the people i care about the most. punishments i have secretly given them.
i think…why? how can i treat those closest to me like strangers, like i never loved them or respected who they are as human beings? expectations set that no one could live up to. with one wrong move, they move onto my shitlist. and i get angry at them. no longer emotionally invested. i have packed up and run away. trust has been lost and i don’t know if i want to go out looking for it.
i need space. i crave space. i take space.
but space does not solve the problem.
the issue still exists when i return.
so what next?
abandon again? forget forever?
no!
those are patterns i do not want to continue. those are issues i have tried my hardest to work past and i am NOT reverting back! not again. not ever.
cannot preach peace if i do not practice.
cannot advocate love for all if i do not follow.

you get what you give. you receive what you send out,
so time to wipe the slate clean and start over.
maybe even begin where we left off before <3

to my friend…

she
is a ball of happy
energy. things seem
to come so easy
but i see the lonely
she feels. sporadically coming.
feeling seems to be lingering…
little girl
who can’t see the world
lying right in front of her.
in her reach, to have and to hold,
but she feels alone.
if only she could see
the answer she seeks 
comes from inside me,
the “me” inside of herself.
others can try and help
but no one has the key
to feeling complete.
no puzzle piece is missing
no boy can do the fixing.
no need to be perfect,
mistakes will be made. things will need to be corrected,
but it’s a process
and belief in herself will lead to success.
no validity from him
can give
her more than she already has.
the world is big and might move fast
but the STRENGTH in her will outlast
…just look to her wrist
and the solution can’t be missed
permanentaly written in ink
for her to look and think
to remember that she is strong
no issue is too big. she will fight on.
challenges will be faced,
time to grow and change.
to feel whole
all on her own
and to know that it is possible…

“white” talk?

in class today, we were discussing politics. and ralph nader. and a comment he made about barack obama. and how he spoke.
ralph nader said that obama spoke “white”. from that, something else arose…
what exactly is “white” talk? do i speak white? but i’m only half…so would i speak half white and half other??? and from that discussion we came up with a conclusion: nader said that because obama doesn’t speak “black”…or maybe we should use the word ghetto. ghetto, not standard American English, slang.
and with nader’s low blow to obama, he actually became a rascist in a sense.
and as i walked home on the streets of oakland listening to a sad song (jason mraz) i started to choke up. the discussion we had 30 minutes ago popped up in my mind. and the song has nothing to do with rascism or stereotypes or anything of that nature. but to see the streets of oakland. a place where many say is “ghetto”. empty streets. broken glass on the sidewalk where it meets the street. and to think of the rascism that is still in the world today. and i knew that it was still going on. but to really feel it right now. through my core. made me sad.
the stereotypes we hold for people. because of their skin color. where they live. how they speak.
to not really know someone and be able to judge them because of some stupid preconceived notion…is just that…STUPID! and unneccesary. and ridiculous.
and right then i made a point to smile at everyone i walked past. to look at them straight in the eye and smile. and not some fake smile. or scared smile. but a genuine one. a smile that someone can feel. they can feel the warmth i feel for them as a human being. the respect i have for them.
i don’t know them. so why start the relationship, even if it lasts for a brief second, on a bad note? first impressions are made in 15 seconds. and if i only get a few seconds in your life, i want to make the best impression i can. a real one. a positive one.
and now i invite all those who are reading to do the same.
just because you hear someone speaking slang, don’t think that they’re a bad person. because…well, JUST because!!!
remember:

smiles are contagious

i like…

pb&j’s
i could eat em, all night and day
listening to my man, jason mraz
with his sexy voice and skinny ass
mr geek in the pink..i think
i wanna shrink him up and put him in my pocket.
like mr. sprocket…
and go take a trip in our rocket
of love <3
and i like!
to sing his songs
try to keep pitch and follow along
i don’t know all the lyrics yet
but just listen and try not to sweat
and i like!
the sound of his voice
jason mraz, there’s no other choice
so sweet and chill is his tone
love to listen to him on the microphone
while he freestyles and plays guitar
so fucking sexy, he melts my heart <3
and i’m done!!!

mmmm..mmmm :)

finished sweating SO good
sweat the sadness away…melt the mood i was in earlier..
and i’m happy again.
i sit on the patio…the moon, reflecting on the lake. so fucking beautiful. to take in the beauty that is all
around me…
the beauty that JUST IS..
everywhere, always…but we’re too busy living our lives to see it. but to have had a day that was just…blah! and for that mood to just disappear and just enjoy what is around me. always. but to see it for the first time.
is fucking AWESOME!
peace. content. just…nothing could make this moment better.
nothing at all.
this moment…to Not be “with” someone. to Not need someone else.
mmmm…i feel amazing. so fresh and so clean and so HAPPY!!! unbelievably happy.
and no one can take this from me right now.
and no one made me this way right now. and i love this.
love where i’m going. finally starting to be okay…alone…
just with great friends..
and not depending on a penis to make me happy.
i feel liberated! i feel free!! and i never want to stop feeling this!!!

my wish to all

push peace out
wish it upon all around. near. far. all
comes back in
back in. into my soul
deep
peace
inner peace. deep within
hold that feeling
because what you give is what you receive
out and in
repeat
push harder
get more. more. more
deep inside
all throughout
out. in. out. in
release. then hold
hold tight.
peace deep inside my soul. hold
feel it. deep. sleep. peace <3

 

no more getting lost

it’s time to take  care of myself…mentally, physically and emotionally…i’m almost 24 and haven’t done much with my life..and with this whole sobriety thing that jodie and i have been doing, i feel like it’s an awesome time to kickstart my life. to start it NOW! it’s never too late…but why hold this off anymore. this seems to be the perfect time to start challenging myself and to actually start living life <3

MENTALLY
i am going to be going to school full time starting this summer and it won’t stop for at least 3 years! and i am SO excited. just started to get into reading again..and just learning and growing and expanding my horizons.  

PHYSICALLY
not drinking and doing drugs was step 1. but i seriously need to quit smoking and eat better and exercise regularly…it’s ME time right now! and i can’t let anyone take that away from me. i need to stop telling myself i CAN’T and just get off my lazy ass and DO. become a DOER! not just a talker or wisher or complainer or giver upper…no more complaining. i put myself here. i can get myself out!

EMOTIONALLY
i will be going to therapy soon. Finally! i have issues i need to work through. and i think i know most of the issues…i just don’t know how to fix them, so hopefully miss counsellor lady can give me some tools i can work with. i also want more outlets for my emotions…which might also weave into growing mentally. but more writing. more art…collages actually. of how i feel…like i used to do in high school. it’s weird..i think i knew myself best in high school, even though those are times when you’re actually finding yourself. but since i’ve graduated..back in 2002, i’ve lost myself. lost myself to boys. wanting their attention. wanting their approval. wanting their love. lost myself to drugs. lost myself to friends. i was more into their approval than in me being happy…i forgot who i was. peer pressure is a bitch! 

but no more. i am turning a new leaf now. i am becoming a better person. a stronger person. a person i can respeCK!!! a person i can love. a person i am proud of. a person, that when i look in the mirror, i smile and know that she is the best she can be and she worked and she fought and she survived and she LIVED
She Lived Her Little Heart Out <3

 

peace be with you…

who are we to judge or criticize? we are human. we have faults. things to work on. everyone does. we are all the same. no one is better than another. no soul is without sin. 
so why not stop and help those in need? don’t just throw away people who are broken. they didn’t choose to be that way. someone broke them, so why not help fix the person? they want to be fixed. who doesn’t want to be better? to become the best person they can be. giving up is not an option when you care about someone. running when things get bad. turning your back – there is never an excuse. 
if things are going good for you, share it with those who need you. and your help. unconditional love for all souls. whole souls. souls missing pieces and broken or crushed souls. because the broken need the most help, yet seem to be the ones left to fend for themselves. 
but how hard is it to listen or just remind someone you love them and their faults and you’ll be there to support them. 
no room in anyone’s life to hold grudges. need to let the hate go. it harbors and just invites more to come to you. letting hate possess your soul. in desperate need of an exorcism of the grudges you hold. 
instead, you should wish peace upon those who have hurt you the most. hurt you the worst. because they need the peace more than you do. they’re broken or might be harboring hate themselves. you can’t hold it again’st them. it makes you no better. 
so with the peace you wish upon any and everyone. i say…
and also with you…
that what you give. you receive right back. harder. fuller. more.