you will not miss me
no one ever has
it’s okay. i’ve grown accustomed to it by now

they come in
want more
i give too much
too quick
then they run and hide
sporadically coming back in. but just for short periods

i am
“the Abandoned”
people leave me easily – do not think twice -
but that does not make me sad. it can’t
or else i would die
i have to be okay with it
so i am.
smile and nod
did it to myself
came on WAY too strong

when will i ever learn?
i don’t know if i can or will.
just my curse in life
those i love will leave me eventually
as they do with everyone else – no different…
right?

..use somebody..someone like me!

if you fear hurting me, then you are too late.
if you think that excuses will lessen the blow, then you are incorrect.
the truth will set me free from the shackles of this love.
the chains created by my own imagination
have held me hostage for some time now
and you know! i know you know who he is!
yet you let me sit in here looking at the cave walls.
at my self created, dillusional shadow figures and their stories.
this is self inflicted, yes!
but i hold onto a hope i see
in you feel the same…possibly
and until you destroy it, i will continue
to hold on. because that is all i know how to do.
you hurt me by stringing excuses in front of me
i need
Truth. but you do not give that, so
i cannot let go.

elegy

my heart grows heavier  with each breath
maybe mom was right  i do make up stories in my head..
dramas play out and i grow sad
all self-inflicted…no one else to blame
yet how could you not feel the pain?
senses heightened…feel the down..lost myself again

i need my high to get through this
this low makes me want to curl up and sleep infinite
where wanting does not exist
and i do not need or long for or miss
OR rely on another to make me sad or feel peace..because of him

where i do not crave that kiss
continously trying to daydream it into existence
..when will it even..it’s been a while..waiting on that moment..

stop searching for falling stars
or a well to wish upon
rollercoaster riding was never for emotions
to begin with
i opened…i am open..this is starting to hurt
but i do not know how to close it without your words
sometimes thinking and questions
hurt more than the actual rejection…
i guess
up until you’re on the other side
when ”no” feels more like dying
than “what if” wondering

how about like this…to start

i feel full from the emptiness inside
i feel trapped outside of myself
i think too much in the nothingness running through my head

it’s when the hope rises up to the top
slowly plateaus
sinks just a tiny bit
always leaving me wanting MORE
and nothing at all…

does that make any sense?

to be trapped but free
to be SO emotional yet numb
to be lost in the vast universe focused so closely
to WANT so badly
but know that possibly..
nothing
will
come
of
this…

yet i continue to dream
and fantasize
and leave myself
and imagine
and believe it JUST MIGHT…maybe…possibly

waves of negative crashing with the positive…
warring inside. leaving me no place to seek refuge.

thoughts of you make me smile and cry
to feel SO warm yet so chilly when they escape my mind
i want to move forward
but that would be the end of my life as i know it
i would be consumed
lost, never able to see daylight again. engulfed
in the trouble of love
BUT i want to FEEL it SO much

what am i supposed to do?

tears tease running down my cheeks
such sweet release
leaving me longing
calling out for more to come now!
i need something right now! at this moment!
i need more. i need to know
i need to feel. to feel comforted in your absence

and that doesn’t even start to explain this feeling…

last night

found out that desparation drained
now nothing remains
not even his Soul knows where to go
/lost/
that moment it was okay to just not
now only questions, the answers – unlikely to come
no room for resolution in these situations

Why did you do it? How can it get to that point? Why didn’t you scream out loud for help? When did this happen? How did this happen? Where do they go now that you’re gone? How could you do this? Was there no light at all…not even a distant dot, somewhere hope might be?
I hope you are well. and I wish you the Greatest Peace after this cruel world hurt you so deeply. I do not know you and cannot remember you…but you were a part of me like I am of you, as we are of all…peace, Love, HAPPYness for all eternity until we meet again

forgot how to love

too…or so it seems
taking for granted and i just please…
for
forgiveness. i’m sorry
i didn’t know what i had…so much more
than what i continued
to complain
about constantly.

love?
knew i was
once he left
and i felt
it all break. my heart crushed
my breath failing me
my throat closing up
my tears pouring out
and this hole…

hated my family…i am SO ungrateful
can’t even write that without tearing
and dean staring at me
while i type this…cannot think straight
i just hurt and the sadness overcomes

i am a terrible person
a monster on the inside
showing her true colours. and i hate her
how much she puts down or ignores the good
how she continues to play victim
when she’s the one who PREACHES that you have control
so why don’t i
TAKE
that control and stop blaming
start loving
and enjoying the people who are here
who CHOOSE to be near
who CHOOSE not to leave
who CHOOSE to stick by me
hard times, nice times and even the ugly…

but i do not have the tools…or maybe that’s what i just tell myself to feel better about the shitty things i’ve been doing.

life isn’t about selfishness and only what I want…it’s about love. and keeping close to people. and bettering the lives of the people who are in it. and being selfless and sucking up the ego to love fully and UNCONDITIONALLY and always..and not to regret how you treat people before it becomes too late…and that can be at any time. to stop TAKING FOR GRANTEd. and just DO and BE the person i wish…not just sulking to live up to that…

gotta get my head right

seconds
continue to take helpings.
never stopping

Very big problem
so many Excuses…

just want to go on abusing
Her.
who cares – want another
course of hurt
take advantage of this Girl
no love needed
She is Free
to use up…all on Me

love is unWanted. i ask please
do not say anything
no kissing, no sweet nothings
whispered in our ears.
no breath
lingering on my neck.
just unzip. pull down
and let me get Down.
i am unWorthy of any praise
just use Her up and throw Me away.

gone

the ones that are supposed to be the closest
seem so distant.
so cold and never understand
i want appreciation
seek validation
just to please you. so badly.
but nothing
no congratulations
no pat on the back
just finger pointing at the fact
that i am inconsiderate
and am too lazy
that i would just leave in a second
and forget who you are.

but can you blame me?

my protectors are the ones hurting me
unconditional love is shown by judging
at how i was never enough
in any arena i took part in
and i’m supposed to sit and smile and get up
and do shit for you?

i do not think so

you hurt me.
i hate you
seriously.
and it hurts that i could be so cold

but really…
can you blame me?

soul mate

i see how she looks into his eyes
and his to hers
and how he loves her unconditionally
you can tell he would never
leave. no matter what.
how they speak without moving their lips
and when they move, it’s in unison
when i see the kiss, i imagine it’s me
and the man i’m supposed to be with.

i married my first love
we never spoke. and sometimes it got lonely
i had so much on my mind
but nothing got past my mouth to reach him.
we were opposites. completely. and i loved him
and i thought he did too.
i try to convince myself that it was a blessing
one that was hidden.
but i still miss him. the warmth i felt
yet the bad outweighed the good
and anytime i admitted that, i took it back
as fast as the truth came out
so why do i miss him?

we did not fit.
but he loved me. all of me.
so how could he leave?

i see her dance her first dance with him
as man and woman
husband and wife

and i catch myself gazing into their eyes
trying to find the one for me
glancing up at their faces
trying to catch a glimpse of their souls
…but nothing…
just eyes. nothing more
i look so hard. try to go deep
but it’s so shallow

i want to love so hard it hurts
i want to love to get lost in him and us
i want to love and feel helpless
i want to love with all my heart
i want to love with all my soul
i want to feel irrational. have no more control
i want to feel like dying when he’s not near
i want to be so happy i cry
i want to smile forever. inside and out

i want to stop wanting so badly and be happy with how it is right now.
just with me. and without him.

uncomfortable

her skin doesn’t fit like it used to

she has fallen
into a blackhole

in the fog, so dense, she cannot see a thing
the clouds are heavy and weigh her down
more than she already is
and she sinks into a depression

too lazy to do anything

so lost, a way back is impossible
not until she is right within

when the sun decides to come out and burn the cold
shining past the darkness
a clear head
unachievable a goal
hopelessness is inevitable
the shadow that once followed
now consumes
cloaks her from what is
and always has been
and she hides beneath the lies
the validation given is self-constructed
misrepresentation used to fool herself
they used to work

once upon a time
they deceived her but she has opened her eyes
the weightlessness has been replaced
with something so wearisome
cannot place a finger on it
but her eyes fill with tears that are not there
her lips do not frown but cannot force a smile
her eyes do not shine like they used to
the stress is real
and has become his own person
pulling her down
he drags this girl to her own destruction
by self. no other would -
could be so damaging.