you will not miss me
no one ever has
it’s okay. i’ve grown accustomed to it by now

they come in
want more
i give too much
too quick
then they run and hide
sporadically coming back in. but just for short periods

i am
“the Abandoned”
people leave me easily – do not think twice -
but that does not make me sad. it can’t
or else i would die
i have to be okay with it
so i am.
smile and nod
did it to myself
came on WAY too strong

when will i ever learn?
i don’t know if i can or will.
just my curse in life
those i love will leave me eventually
as they do with everyone else – no different…
right?

be the one i need…the one i trust most. don’t stop inspiring me…

makes sense…

through all the years taught:

two different worlds.
but there’s something there
raised differently. seeing things in a different light.
but there’s something undeniable
something.. a chemistry so tangible that the differences disappear.

the two are unalike, but there is a chance meeting
a window of opportunity.
and it doesn’t happen right away.
takes a little more time because the dissimilarity
is too strong
but they do not know how powerful the attraction is
the force cannot be stopped easily.
and it’s not.
eventually love
overcomes all
so it makes sense for me
to feel this
so undeniably
unignorable emotion. you give me butterflies
and peace and excitement
and calm and sadness from not being close
and a smile on my face from every memory or speaking your
name and pain for every second
i don’t let you in.

…only one who knows to slow it down…

they tell me i’m stupid. that i’m fooling myself: just quit it!
nothing can come of this

but my heart does not understand
and my mind cannot comprehend
my soul will not hear any of those arguments
even in the pain, they feel perfection

exercise patience
because when we move too fast
we burn out from this love affair
so much quicker
than taking time to enjoy the silence
taking the moments to feel the comfort – so nice -
              but sometimes anxiety pushes
                                                             a tug of war inside
should i confess or keep quiet?
am i doubting or just nervous?
why is the future such a big deal and how does it scare so effortlessly?
eventually it will never come…

~ i just know that ~
staring at nothing
next to him
feels like Heaven <3
close your eyes – see the sun setting still
like you never left
clear your mind. go to your Happy Place
and notice…all you focus on is  his face
his eyes smiling
his lips warm without even touching
his aura is that of the scenary
an orangish/goldish hue…always inviting you
stop.
sit.
decide to Speak or not
just Silence will do.
only there to Stare
and feel Something
that might have been absent – just for a Second
a moment passes quickly and the Sky has faded
no more glowing Sphere to warm
just Stars to keep company until
the Sun rises in the morning
(as long as we are Still here for the experience)

i miss you.

at a crossroads

two paths…lying right in front
both as clear as day
one comes easier, handed to me
the other, requires more work…
so which do i choose?

the easy would come to mind
no questions to ask you’d say
BUT
there is…there ARE!
1 million and 1
how am i supposed to know
which i was put here for?

and now, i’m stuck
at the fork
trying to gaze down both
altho they are clear, i cannot see far down
and have no idea which path
forecasts what future…

which will give me a fuller life?
does it really matter which i choose?
will the outcome be THAT different?
OR substantial???

gotta get my head right

seconds
continue to take helpings.
never stopping

Very big problem
so many Excuses…

just want to go on abusing
Her.
who cares – want another
course of hurt
take advantage of this Girl
no love needed
She is Free
to use up…all on Me

love is unWanted. i ask please
do not say anything
no kissing, no sweet nothings
whispered in our ears.
no breath
lingering on my neck.
just unzip. pull down
and let me get Down.
i am unWorthy of any praise
just use Her up and throw Me away.

vision as simple as life

neverending it seems
at first glance – this life
feels forever. my being
cannot be measured in time.
the tunnel just keeps going
nothing impossible, the sky
above, never slowing
continues to hide inside.
options
overabundant
overflowing
all you have to do is try
and all can be achieved
the light will guide
and it is all inside.
hallway with so many
doors to open
but which one
do i choose?
no matter what, i cannot lose.
things happen
for a reason
always – no exceptions
ever!
something to remember…

uncomfortable

her skin doesn’t fit like it used to

she has fallen
into a blackhole

in the fog, so dense, she cannot see a thing
the clouds are heavy and weigh her down
more than she already is
and she sinks into a depression

too lazy to do anything

so lost, a way back is impossible
not until she is right within

when the sun decides to come out and burn the cold
shining past the darkness
a clear head
unachievable a goal
hopelessness is inevitable
the shadow that once followed
now consumes
cloaks her from what is
and always has been
and she hides beneath the lies
the validation given is self-constructed
misrepresentation used to fool herself
they used to work

once upon a time
they deceived her but she has opened her eyes
the weightlessness has been replaced
with something so wearisome
cannot place a finger on it
but her eyes fill with tears that are not there
her lips do not frown but cannot force a smile
her eyes do not shine like they used to
the stress is real
and has become his own person
pulling her down
he drags this girl to her own destruction
by self. no other would -
could be so damaging.

can’t stop, won’t stop

days go fast.
and before i know it, now is in the past
no time to stop. it’s getting very very late
i barely
have enough
to finish what i have to get done

at night i am awake and hear what i’ve missed
but at the same time, i’m okay with it.

i don’t cry anymore. or feel sad or lonely
the girl i see in the mirror is not me
at least who she used to be
and that makes me indescribably…
*sigh* happy