you will not miss me
no one ever has
it’s okay. i’ve grown accustomed to it by now

they come in
want more
i give too much
too quick
then they run and hide
sporadically coming back in. but just for short periods

i am
“the Abandoned”
people leave me easily – do not think twice -
but that does not make me sad. it can’t
or else i would die
i have to be okay with it
so i am.
smile and nod
did it to myself
came on WAY too strong

when will i ever learn?
i don’t know if i can or will.
just my curse in life
those i love will leave me eventually
as they do with everyone else – no different…
right?

..use somebody..someone like me!

if you fear hurting me, then you are too late.
if you think that excuses will lessen the blow, then you are incorrect.
the truth will set me free from the shackles of this love.
the chains created by my own imagination
have held me hostage for some time now
and you know! i know you know who he is!
yet you let me sit in here looking at the cave walls.
at my self created, dillusional shadow figures and their stories.
this is self inflicted, yes!
but i hold onto a hope i see
in you feel the same…possibly
and until you destroy it, i will continue
to hold on. because that is all i know how to do.
you hurt me by stringing excuses in front of me
i need
Truth. but you do not give that, so
i cannot let go.

..in need..

template
for inspirations
something to aspire
in this life
my body is a temple
 jot notes of what to remember.

never stop
never give up
when you fall, stand your ground
when you are down,
look to the sky and get lost in its Enormity
see what Surrounds
you Daily -> so amazing!
eyes shut.         Sound turned to                     Silent
just    Feel
E      v     e       r    y          P i e c e
Of Now. breathe in the  peace <3

elegy

my heart grows heavier  with each breath
maybe mom was right  i do make up stories in my head..
dramas play out and i grow sad
all self-inflicted…no one else to blame
yet how could you not feel the pain?
senses heightened…feel the down..lost myself again

i need my high to get through this
this low makes me want to curl up and sleep infinite
where wanting does not exist
and i do not need or long for or miss
OR rely on another to make me sad or feel peace..because of him

where i do not crave that kiss
continously trying to daydream it into existence
..when will it even..it’s been a while..waiting on that moment..

stop searching for falling stars
or a well to wish upon
rollercoaster riding was never for emotions
to begin with
i opened…i am open..this is starting to hurt
but i do not know how to close it without your words
sometimes thinking and questions
hurt more than the actual rejection…
i guess
up until you’re on the other side
when ”no” feels more like dying
than “what if” wondering

…only one who knows to slow it down…

they tell me i’m stupid. that i’m fooling myself: just quit it!
nothing can come of this

but my heart does not understand
and my mind cannot comprehend
my soul will not hear any of those arguments
even in the pain, they feel perfection

exercise patience
because when we move too fast
we burn out from this love affair
so much quicker
than taking time to enjoy the silence
taking the moments to feel the comfort – so nice -
              but sometimes anxiety pushes
                                                             a tug of war inside
should i confess or keep quiet?
am i doubting or just nervous?
why is the future such a big deal and how does it scare so effortlessly?
eventually it will never come…

~ i just know that ~
staring at nothing
next to him
feels like Heaven <3
close your eyes – see the sun setting still
like you never left
clear your mind. go to your Happy Place
and notice…all you focus on is  his face
his eyes smiling
his lips warm without even touching
his aura is that of the scenary
an orangish/goldish hue…always inviting you
stop.
sit.
decide to Speak or not
just Silence will do.
only there to Stare
and feel Something
that might have been absent – just for a Second
a moment passes quickly and the Sky has faded
no more glowing Sphere to warm
just Stars to keep company until
the Sun rises in the morning
(as long as we are Still here for the experience)

i miss you.

last night

found out that desparation drained
now nothing remains
not even his Soul knows where to go
/lost/
that moment it was okay to just not
now only questions, the answers – unlikely to come
no room for resolution in these situations

Why did you do it? How can it get to that point? Why didn’t you scream out loud for help? When did this happen? How did this happen? Where do they go now that you’re gone? How could you do this? Was there no light at all…not even a distant dot, somewhere hope might be?
I hope you are well. and I wish you the Greatest Peace after this cruel world hurt you so deeply. I do not know you and cannot remember you…but you were a part of me like I am of you, as we are of all…peace, Love, HAPPYness for all eternity until we meet again

forgot how to love

too…or so it seems
taking for granted and i just please…
for
forgiveness. i’m sorry
i didn’t know what i had…so much more
than what i continued
to complain
about constantly.

love?
knew i was
once he left
and i felt
it all break. my heart crushed
my breath failing me
my throat closing up
my tears pouring out
and this hole…

hated my family…i am SO ungrateful
can’t even write that without tearing
and dean staring at me
while i type this…cannot think straight
i just hurt and the sadness overcomes

i am a terrible person
a monster on the inside
showing her true colours. and i hate her
how much she puts down or ignores the good
how she continues to play victim
when she’s the one who PREACHES that you have control
so why don’t i
TAKE
that control and stop blaming
start loving
and enjoying the people who are here
who CHOOSE to be near
who CHOOSE not to leave
who CHOOSE to stick by me
hard times, nice times and even the ugly…

but i do not have the tools…or maybe that’s what i just tell myself to feel better about the shitty things i’ve been doing.

life isn’t about selfishness and only what I want…it’s about love. and keeping close to people. and bettering the lives of the people who are in it. and being selfless and sucking up the ego to love fully and UNCONDITIONALLY and always..and not to regret how you treat people before it becomes too late…and that can be at any time. to stop TAKING FOR GRANTEd. and just DO and BE the person i wish…not just sulking to live up to that…

what to do?

you keep coming into view
as soon as i get it to stop, it continues
with your name on a piece of paper
or your voice entering my office…
am i reading into the universe too much
or could there be more
do i take it slow
or HurryFastsoasnottoloseyou?
i am so confused. sometimes the universe’s opening is only so long
and afterwards, it could be too late.
there are no “if it’s meant to be”’s
only narrow windows to jump through before they close forever…
leaving me cold and out all alone…wishing…wondering…
what could have been…

gotta get my head right

seconds
continue to take helpings.
never stopping

Very big problem
so many Excuses…

just want to go on abusing
Her.
who cares – want another
course of hurt
take advantage of this Girl
no love needed
She is Free
to use up…all on Me

love is unWanted. i ask please
do not say anything
no kissing, no sweet nothings
whispered in our ears.
no breath
lingering on my neck.
just unzip. pull down
and let me get Down.
i am unWorthy of any praise
just use Her up and throw Me away.

gone

the ones that are supposed to be the closest
seem so distant.
so cold and never understand
i want appreciation
seek validation
just to please you. so badly.
but nothing
no congratulations
no pat on the back
just finger pointing at the fact
that i am inconsiderate
and am too lazy
that i would just leave in a second
and forget who you are.

but can you blame me?

my protectors are the ones hurting me
unconditional love is shown by judging
at how i was never enough
in any arena i took part in
and i’m supposed to sit and smile and get up
and do shit for you?

i do not think so

you hurt me.
i hate you
seriously.
and it hurts that i could be so cold

but really…
can you blame me?