friday.nov.13th.2009.late night.rant

close my eyes. listen close…she speaks
softly, but has finally
broken her silence tonight..
listen and feel what she wants to share..pay attention..close..tears on the brink
a storm of sorrow on the verge
of coming up and showing itself..

 

listen to the music..she hears it…
shaking..i move back and forth and am possessed…
my heart has taken over my body..
…she is exhausted..she wants sleep but i do allow it…
      i keep her awake while i study
                  she is getting restless..

 

afraid once the walls are down
once the Truth is out
once we hear what we already know
the tears that start will never stop. vulnerability is a bitch…i sway
back and forth…in a trance…in silence
the music moves me…keep quiet
but inside..i hear her

screaming now…screaming at the top of her lungs
into the back of my ears…i feel the vibrations
she wants to be saved
but she won’t tell me from what.

 

no one has a hold anymore..at least i don’t think so
i’m too distracted to think of him
not now at least..but maybe that’s what’s driving her crazy
she thinks of him for me while i live life for the both of us

 

she uses my vocal chords for her screams
they do not exist in this waking world but i can feel the tingles
the temptation kills..just once…
ONE 
       LOUD
  SCREAM!!!
one sob so hard that i suffocate
on the brink of death
because that’s where i feel i am now
or that’s what she tells me…she wants to die
she wants to cease. she wants to STOP NOW..RIGHT THIS SECOND
just STOP TIME…it MOVES TOO FAST
healing takes time..let me have the time to heal

            stop the busy world
the distractions do not really distract..she feels everything
    i do not.

..on the back and forth of it all…

They tell me to grow up
that he wants a Woman 
      Not a little girl.
  Inside – it is hard to Deny.
 My spirit feels young and *light*
When it’s dark, she brings me smiles.

the World is Cold.
Humans are inHumane

she brings me Hope.
she makes me *glow*
   The Love you see. 
         tase.    smell. 
    FEEL.
Those are all Her.
Without her, I am uncaring. unfeeling. Her Youth.
  naivete. childishness.
are Me.

when i grow “old” (whatever that means) 
         she will still live inside me.
continue to             Up 
                 pick   me 
    from the Pain of the World.
and i will keep on passing along
      the compassion
and empathy and understanding 
   to everyone in my Life.

feeling overTake Me

 

i would be SO  great for Him!!!
i have so much Love to give.
only wish he would be open to Receiving it..

conversations come easy between the two of us
my eyes never wander
never will..my heart
will stay focused on him forever and Ever…swear!
there is no need to search for better
if he loves me back

no man exists in my world but my love
he is my center. he is here. There.
in all the spaces in between.
Devotion is my middle name
when he loves me back

he makes me smile and the only mission i have:
create an environment where he feels as happy as i am
when he is near…feel myself falling
but not as scary as first thought
because he might love me back

so i sit.
do not speak.
just wait.
in case he loves me back

it’s not what he can give
that i want but what i will give
            for him to Receive
     i want to be his shoulder to cry/lean
on.                my legs, a place for his head
    to rest
when he does not feel well
     that’s when i make a bath for him
           then bathe together in the warmth
                       our bodies
    fit like puzzle pieces
      when we fall asleep
    our breath,  once separate, now inhale as one
exhaling  together         feel the LOVE
the peace comes easy   -                 s  e    &     fa    
                                                    i                           l       
                              chests    R                                      l
     harmoniously    -      i want to do all
            this for him.   and him alone
no one else do i have this need to be there for in this way because -
how could he not love me back?

so here i wait for him (and him alone)
-  if he does not come
then i will just stay up for a little longer
     just in case he remembers 
                he loves me back <3

<3 listen to your heart <3

first quiet the world inside then out. the busy-ness
of life muffles Heaven within.
desires hide
the Truth that is there the whole time.

she whispers softly, so it is hard to hear
her if you do not quiet your emotions. life is so Simple. but We
are human and need
to complicate it.
Create
problems and questions from nothing.
clear. calm
quiet…now
L  i  s  t   e   n
can you hear her
speak? comes in faint. Time will cure that. Broken
because she cannot be Heard
Asking….
but as long as we do, we will be. Receive
this moment. in the nothingness lives Eternity
clear. calm
Now
receive it fully. see? not so Hard =)

she has been received and will
always as long as we do all
the Beauty in front of us that busy life
tries to blind
us from. now i am Aware. clear
my mind. Calm my Heart. now Receive
and be received <3

..use somebody..someone like me!

if you fear hurting me, then you are too late.
if you think that excuses will lessen the blow, then you are incorrect.
the truth will set me free from the shackles of this love.
the chains created by my own imagination
have held me hostage for some time now
and you know! i know you know who he is!
yet you let me sit in here looking at the cave walls.
at my self created, dillusional shadow figures and their stories.
this is self inflicted, yes!
but i hold onto a hope i see
in you feel the same…possibly
and until you destroy it, i will continue
to hold on. because that is all i know how to do.
you hurt me by stringing excuses in front of me
i need
Truth. but you do not give that, so
i cannot let go.

elegy

my heart grows heavier  with each breath
maybe mom was right  i do make up stories in my head..
dramas play out and i grow sad
all self-inflicted…no one else to blame
yet how could you not feel the pain?
senses heightened…feel the down..lost myself again

i need my high to get through this
this low makes me want to curl up and sleep infinite
where wanting does not exist
and i do not need or long for or miss
OR rely on another to make me sad or feel peace..because of him

where i do not crave that kiss
continously trying to daydream it into existence
..when will it even..it’s been a while..waiting on that moment..

stop searching for falling stars
or a well to wish upon
rollercoaster riding was never for emotions
to begin with
i opened…i am open..this is starting to hurt
but i do not know how to close it without your words
sometimes thinking and questions
hurt more than the actual rejection…
i guess
up until you’re on the other side
when ”no” feels more like dying
than “what if” wondering

…don’t bring me down..i beg you…won’t let you..

fully undressed
naked to everyone else -
do i continue to let this
grow within
until i am comfortable in my own skin
~ patience friend ~
but i hate all this confusion
caused by the unknown
and my imagination
- crazy combination -

maybe i should just release
some of this grasp
letting my heart Free
but she does not want that
she just wants to be received
to be heard and seen
noticed for what she wants and has to give
she is not scared
of when she might break
my mind is the one doing that
continuously replaying the scene
slightly different each time…

how about like this…to start

i feel full from the emptiness inside
i feel trapped outside of myself
i think too much in the nothingness running through my head

it’s when the hope rises up to the top
slowly plateaus
sinks just a tiny bit
always leaving me wanting MORE
and nothing at all…

does that make any sense?

to be trapped but free
to be SO emotional yet numb
to be lost in the vast universe focused so closely
to WANT so badly
but know that possibly..
nothing
will
come
of
this…

yet i continue to dream
and fantasize
and leave myself
and imagine
and believe it JUST MIGHT…maybe…possibly

waves of negative crashing with the positive…
warring inside. leaving me no place to seek refuge.

thoughts of you make me smile and cry
to feel SO warm yet so chilly when they escape my mind
i want to move forward
but that would be the end of my life as i know it
i would be consumed
lost, never able to see daylight again. engulfed
in the trouble of love
BUT i want to FEEL it SO much

what am i supposed to do?

tears tease running down my cheeks
such sweet release
leaving me longing
calling out for more to come now!
i need something right now! at this moment!
i need more. i need to know
i need to feel. to feel comforted in your absence

and that doesn’t even start to explain this feeling…

when two worlds collide

i don’t do this sober…
normally i drink myself to comfortable
but with you it’s different…just being
and doing absolutely nothing
and everything
all at once
SO FUN! <3

even in silence
enjoying this….
every single drop

Bedtime Story

when the music stopped, so did she…or so it seemed. They see the Spirit inside rests when her soul, in music, sleeps. Yet, she dances continuously  in her heart – never stopping. once she begins, the fire never quits. No prince comes because she does not need saving. never letting him break the barrier of her bubble. in her own world, she is satisfied, and she will continue on that way. Peace Be with you…andalsowithyou…Let her just be…do not try to trick or capture – Harmony, Tranquility, LOVE…alone. in her soul, she is the only one who hears it play….