conversation with myself

learn to let go.
give up control. let them come as they may
and stop placing them where you see fit.

but it’s so much easier when i break my own heart!
stings less
when i say when
it happens. to let go fully means to get my heart broken constantly.
to feel unwanted because of someone else instead of my own doing..
who would want that?

but if you don’t, you become crazy.
lost in the world you’ve created.
no one wants to be forced or told to do something.
he wants to do it by his own free will
so just let him come when he’s ready
stop trying to make it happen.

but waiting takes Eternity!
i want him to realize
NOW that there is no one better
that he and i make sense!
i want him to be blinded by the love
he introduced me to. can’t you see?
there is no made up fantasy land

but you’re coming on too strong.
release!
let go!!
stop dreaming!!!

but what if he never comes?
then what??

you will be fine, promise!
with a cherry on top???
you will Be Just Fine =)

..use somebody..someone like me!

if you fear hurting me, then you are too late.
if you think that excuses will lessen the blow, then you are incorrect.
the truth will set me free from the shackles of this love.
the chains created by my own imagination
have held me hostage for some time now
and you know! i know you know who he is!
yet you let me sit in here looking at the cave walls.
at my self created, dillusional shadow figures and their stories.
this is self inflicted, yes!
but i hold onto a hope i see
in you feel the same…possibly
and until you destroy it, i will continue
to hold on. because that is all i know how to do.
you hurt me by stringing excuses in front of me
i need
Truth. but you do not give that, so
i cannot let go.

..do it tonight…forever

i just need sleep
to bring me peace
i am unable to achieve
in a waking state. i seem
to always live in fantasy and daydream.
i envision
a million times our first kiss
and all that proceed. it
comes second nature
so uncontrollably perfect =)

gotta take the good with the bad…

love me the way you love her
is all i ask for
JUST equal, not more..
look at me the same

i know she’s always been your favorite
and that’s why i grow  jealous so quick

but just once
love me equal

please
otherwise, these
tears
will not leave me
alone.
even being close
tears me apart…
that hug…hurt my heart
because that one ounce
of care…brings me down
wanting more. knowing that day may never come
or as fast and often as i need

so please hear me:
Love Me Equally…
even if pretending.

..in need..

template
for inspirations
something to aspire
in this life
my body is a temple
 jot notes of what to remember.

never stop
never give up
when you fall, stand your ground
when you are down,
look to the sky and get lost in its Enormity
see what Surrounds
you Daily -> so amazing!
eyes shut.         Sound turned to                     Silent
just    Feel
E      v     e       r    y          P i e c e
Of Now. breathe in the  peace <3

elegy

my heart grows heavier  with each breath
maybe mom was right  i do make up stories in my head..
dramas play out and i grow sad
all self-inflicted…no one else to blame
yet how could you not feel the pain?
senses heightened…feel the down..lost myself again

i need my high to get through this
this low makes me want to curl up and sleep infinite
where wanting does not exist
and i do not need or long for or miss
OR rely on another to make me sad or feel peace..because of him

where i do not crave that kiss
continously trying to daydream it into existence
..when will it even..it’s been a while..waiting on that moment..

stop searching for falling stars
or a well to wish upon
rollercoaster riding was never for emotions
to begin with
i opened…i am open..this is starting to hurt
but i do not know how to close it without your words
sometimes thinking and questions
hurt more than the actual rejection…
i guess
up until you’re on the other side
when ”no” feels more like dying
than “what if” wondering

how about like this…to start

i feel full from the emptiness inside
i feel trapped outside of myself
i think too much in the nothingness running through my head

it’s when the hope rises up to the top
slowly plateaus
sinks just a tiny bit
always leaving me wanting MORE
and nothing at all…

does that make any sense?

to be trapped but free
to be SO emotional yet numb
to be lost in the vast universe focused so closely
to WANT so badly
but know that possibly..
nothing
will
come
of
this…

yet i continue to dream
and fantasize
and leave myself
and imagine
and believe it JUST MIGHT…maybe…possibly

waves of negative crashing with the positive…
warring inside. leaving me no place to seek refuge.

thoughts of you make me smile and cry
to feel SO warm yet so chilly when they escape my mind
i want to move forward
but that would be the end of my life as i know it
i would be consumed
lost, never able to see daylight again. engulfed
in the trouble of love
BUT i want to FEEL it SO much

what am i supposed to do?

tears tease running down my cheeks
such sweet release
leaving me longing
calling out for more to come now!
i need something right now! at this moment!
i need more. i need to know
i need to feel. to feel comforted in your absence

and that doesn’t even start to explain this feeling…

it takes no time to fall in love…

you pull at my strings
do you realize?

when you are away
my heart breaks until i see your face
in real life. in sweet dreams. or just in my mind
any which way…my heart sings
and i am up in the clouds once again
light headed…i cannot think straight
just counting down the time until later
do you see?

when you are near
whether a tangible fantasy
or when the flesh is REAL
- you touch me
in the depths of my soul -
i become crazy out of control
…because…
you make my heart super happy
can you tell?

you are my inspiration
my current addiction
that i want to last forever.
i hear you calling my spirit out of this caged body
and she grows frustrated because she cannot leave
can you feel it?

while your presence is missing
this feeling
- E M P T I N E S S -
leaves me weak
my heart cries
my mind wanders
my soul screams out
do you get it yet?

i cannot think straight
i feel uncontrollably run by something other than…
i want want want want want
i need this high
because my memory is starting to fail me
not getting me to where i want to be
where i know i can be…but somehow cannot achieve currently…

how about now…
you make my heart super happy
but when you are gone, she cannot help but cry

hundreds of miles down

want
want
want
want
want
want you to feel the same
to want to be near
to want to talk
to answer always
to never be far
to think of me constantly
to feel like i do
right
now
at this
moment
want
want
want
want
it so BADLY

love is fleeting

almost 2 years
and i can still feel
the feeling of my heart breaking…
crumbling   e v e r y   l i t t l e    p i e c e
…i couldn’t      b r e a t h e
wanting life to cease.
                     <shut my eyes>
praying for death to take me
saving me
from this unimaginable Reality -
so with my history
how can hope exist to Be…