friday.nov.13th.2009.late night.rant

close my eyes. listen close…she speaks
softly, but has finally
broken her silence tonight..
listen and feel what she wants to share..pay attention..close..tears on the brink
a storm of sorrow on the verge
of coming up and showing itself..

 

listen to the music..she hears it…
shaking..i move back and forth and am possessed…
my heart has taken over my body..
…she is exhausted..she wants sleep but i do allow it…
      i keep her awake while i study
                  she is getting restless..

 

afraid once the walls are down
once the Truth is out
once we hear what we already know
the tears that start will never stop. vulnerability is a bitch…i sway
back and forth…in a trance…in silence
the music moves me…keep quiet
but inside..i hear her

screaming now…screaming at the top of her lungs
into the back of my ears…i feel the vibrations
she wants to be saved
but she won’t tell me from what.

 

no one has a hold anymore..at least i don’t think so
i’m too distracted to think of him
not now at least..but maybe that’s what’s driving her crazy
she thinks of him for me while i live life for the both of us

 

she uses my vocal chords for her screams
they do not exist in this waking world but i can feel the tingles
the temptation kills..just once…
ONE 
       LOUD
  SCREAM!!!
one sob so hard that i suffocate
on the brink of death
because that’s where i feel i am now
or that’s what she tells me…she wants to die
she wants to cease. she wants to STOP NOW..RIGHT THIS SECOND
just STOP TIME…it MOVES TOO FAST
healing takes time..let me have the time to heal

            stop the busy world
the distractions do not really distract..she feels everything
    i do not.

Love…

is a virus.
takes hold of it’s host
             uses her up
in ways she never knew. Lovesick
             She Is
diseased.
       w a lk  in  g     th e    l  in  e
     of Life
and Death.     jealousy. anxiety
always questioning.
- it is a State of Constant Angst -
so close i can   smell.       taste.
             see.     hear.
touch.                 right there!
a few     i n   c  h  e s     more.  within my
    grasp.               why can’t i?
Just this Once…                         P  l  e  a   s e.
Pl ea se.          P l e  a  s e.    Please.
i never ask for anything -
    okay…  maybe that’s a lie, but still -
To lay with him, is all I ask.
To hold his hand.
To touch his face. To kiss gently. To feel his breath all over.
To get lost when he enters

scatter-brainedness

there’s a breaking point for everything.
             comfort never stays comfortable
at some point an unwanted feeling comes in
                         wears out it’s welcome.
            boredom, restlessness..or just
wanting
   more – there’s a moment      a point
                       when things Flat Line.                    need Life
      resuscitate me -        bring me Back        to Life.   Feel alive
when I am walking on the Line of almost Dead
     i could Die at any moment
   the tension
where my soul feels
        like she’s at the border of Crossing
Over past limitations and confinement of this physical
body. This skin
      barrier stops her – yet she
tries to convince constantly

conversation with myself

learn to let go.
give up control. let them come as they may
and stop placing them where you see fit.

but it’s so much easier when i break my own heart!
stings less
when i say when
it happens. to let go fully means to get my heart broken constantly.
to feel unwanted because of someone else instead of my own doing..
who would want that?

but if you don’t, you become crazy.
lost in the world you’ve created.
no one wants to be forced or told to do something.
he wants to do it by his own free will
so just let him come when he’s ready
stop trying to make it happen.

but waiting takes Eternity!
i want him to realize
NOW that there is no one better
that he and i make sense!
i want him to be blinded by the love
he introduced me to. can’t you see?
there is no made up fantasy land

but you’re coming on too strong.
release!
let go!!
stop dreaming!!!

but what if he never comes?
then what??

you will be fine, promise!
with a cherry on top???
you will Be Just Fine =)

..use somebody..someone like me!

if you fear hurting me, then you are too late.
if you think that excuses will lessen the blow, then you are incorrect.
the truth will set me free from the shackles of this love.
the chains created by my own imagination
have held me hostage for some time now
and you know! i know you know who he is!
yet you let me sit in here looking at the cave walls.
at my self created, dillusional shadow figures and their stories.
this is self inflicted, yes!
but i hold onto a hope i see
in you feel the same…possibly
and until you destroy it, i will continue
to hold on. because that is all i know how to do.
you hurt me by stringing excuses in front of me
i need
Truth. but you do not give that, so
i cannot let go.

..do it tonight…forever

i just need sleep
to bring me peace
i am unable to achieve
in a waking state. i seem
to always live in fantasy and daydream.
i envision
a million times our first kiss
and all that proceed. it
comes second nature
so uncontrollably perfect =)

gotta take the good with the bad…

love me the way you love her
is all i ask for
JUST equal, not more..
look at me the same

i know she’s always been your favorite
and that’s why i grow  jealous so quick

but just once
love me equal

please
otherwise, these
tears
will not leave me
alone.
even being close
tears me apart…
that hug…hurt my heart
because that one ounce
of care…brings me down
wanting more. knowing that day may never come
or as fast and often as i need

so please hear me:
Love Me Equally…
even if pretending.

..in need..

template
for inspirations
something to aspire
in this life
my body is a temple
 jot notes of what to remember.

never stop
never give up
when you fall, stand your ground
when you are down,
look to the sky and get lost in its Enormity
see what Surrounds
you Daily -> so amazing!
eyes shut.         Sound turned to                     Silent
just    Feel
E      v     e       r    y          P i e c e
Of Now. breathe in the  peace <3

elegy

my heart grows heavier  with each breath
maybe mom was right  i do make up stories in my head..
dramas play out and i grow sad
all self-inflicted…no one else to blame
yet how could you not feel the pain?
senses heightened…feel the down..lost myself again

i need my high to get through this
this low makes me want to curl up and sleep infinite
where wanting does not exist
and i do not need or long for or miss
OR rely on another to make me sad or feel peace..because of him

where i do not crave that kiss
continously trying to daydream it into existence
..when will it even..it’s been a while..waiting on that moment..

stop searching for falling stars
or a well to wish upon
rollercoaster riding was never for emotions
to begin with
i opened…i am open..this is starting to hurt
but i do not know how to close it without your words
sometimes thinking and questions
hurt more than the actual rejection…
i guess
up until you’re on the other side
when ”no” feels more like dying
than “what if” wondering

how about like this…to start

i feel full from the emptiness inside
i feel trapped outside of myself
i think too much in the nothingness running through my head

it’s when the hope rises up to the top
slowly plateaus
sinks just a tiny bit
always leaving me wanting MORE
and nothing at all…

does that make any sense?

to be trapped but free
to be SO emotional yet numb
to be lost in the vast universe focused so closely
to WANT so badly
but know that possibly..
nothing
will
come
of
this…

yet i continue to dream
and fantasize
and leave myself
and imagine
and believe it JUST MIGHT…maybe…possibly

waves of negative crashing with the positive…
warring inside. leaving me no place to seek refuge.

thoughts of you make me smile and cry
to feel SO warm yet so chilly when they escape my mind
i want to move forward
but that would be the end of my life as i know it
i would be consumed
lost, never able to see daylight again. engulfed
in the trouble of love
BUT i want to FEEL it SO much

what am i supposed to do?

tears tease running down my cheeks
such sweet release
leaving me longing
calling out for more to come now!
i need something right now! at this moment!
i need more. i need to know
i need to feel. to feel comforted in your absence

and that doesn’t even start to explain this feeling…