page 17

out of place yet at peace.
or maybe just a mirage in the back
and there is no sea you believe To Be. possibly just more of the same…
hidden
in an illusion
you Choose to see. but could never be. if that makes any sense.
although none of this does.

yet daydreaming takes any train to a day at the beach – so why not me?
all is possible.
maybe not in this realm, but someplace at sometime
nothing is impossible.
so i Choose to be here.
right now.
out of place
FULL of peace.

greyish to midnight blue

trapped. i want to explode.
to be free of this
this body
this world
this situation
                         set flight to somewhere far
FAR FAR away.
just breathe. relax. let it be…

i hate gravity
i hate the pull he has over me
i hate feeling crazy
over nothing
just stupidity…
on my part-
instinct or heart…
which is calling for him?
how are they different?
it’s easy being outside
not trapped in this mind
others have it easier
but that’s how we all see each other
because they are free
from this reality
out
and about…
not trapped – like me…

we won’t break, we won’t die, it’s just a moment of Change

let Change happen.
because that moment will last a second and afterwards…all will be normal
and we won’t know each other.
and won’t remember anything.
because “WE” is in the past…
and can’t be in the present
and is VERY unlikely in the future…

i’m good. just like always.
and will continue on being that way…

i think we shouldn’t talk anymore though
UNLESS
it’s an emergency.
sorry
but i can’t deal with inconsistency – not good
for the mind
or soul
or positive goodness.

you obviously moved on -
i am moving forward.
all good! no animosity…
but it’s fine not to check in and it’s for the best.

so stop. just like i said before
and just like you agreed to…
don’t contact me in about oh…3 months
about ANYthing..to check in and BS like we left on good terms
because we didn’t. and i don’t care.
just STOP
because i’m done responding….FOR REAL

this time and everytime to come.

I Believe in You

sleep
come quick
to leave
this world of thinking.

stress
trying to reason
- no help -
cannot please everyone.

right and wrong
do not exist. never real -
just show how strong
like dogs with sharp teeth.

back to basics!
to animal instinct-
be the Bitch
i know you can Be

better with time?

he sings to me
tells me
he made a mistake
and he hasn’t been able
to sleep for this whole time.
that i am on his mind
constantly…

holds me
close to him so he can feel
the beat of my heart
never wanting to be apart.
he has cried
forever – dying inside
he is so sorry.

kisses me
he never wanted to leave
he was scared
and wasn’t prepared
for something that felt like it did
and that’s why he hid
but no more. he never stopped loving.

i feel safe
in the way
he speaks, holds and kisses
so sweetly. all things i miss
so dearly…but time has gone by
and i have cried
so hard. i couldn’t wait -

i want to be weak
just for a second
lose myself for a moment
and dream of him and me
living how it should have been
happily ever after
tears of laughter
pain from smiling
just a little while
too long
but his song
hits hard and hits home
and altho i haven’t waited. the love hasn’t gone
and i don’t know if it ever would…

gone

the ones that are supposed to be the closest
seem so distant.
so cold and never understand
i want appreciation
seek validation
just to please you. so badly.
but nothing
no congratulations
no pat on the back
just finger pointing at the fact
that i am inconsiderate
and am too lazy
that i would just leave in a second
and forget who you are.

but can you blame me?

my protectors are the ones hurting me
unconditional love is shown by judging
at how i was never enough
in any arena i took part in
and i’m supposed to sit and smile and get up
and do shit for you?

i do not think so

you hurt me.
i hate you
seriously.
and it hurts that i could be so cold

but really…
can you blame me?

like a mouse

i am trapped
and feel myself
suffocating. can’t go back
and i’m stuck in Hell
this cage of an office
does not suffice
it’s hard breathe 
or to smile.
to see
the good while
i sit here
and try
to make the time
go by…

hickory, dickory, dock
i can’t seem to make the clock
go any faster
no matter
how hard i imagine
the stupid thing
is stationary
someone
come
and save me!!!

if it’s a broken heart, then face it

how come…
people like to hurt themselves? i feel like we, especially the ladies, even tho we say we hate it, actually are in love with drama…me being one of them.
to like the person you shouldn’t like, to overanalyze and hurt yourself, to read into things, good OR bad…to want things that we know we can’t or shouldn’t have. to care SO badly about something…just to be let down in the end…

i want the wanting and longing to go away…
the pain and hurt to go away…

i just want to be happy without having to feel sad or angry or empty at first. i just want things to work out…

but no pain no gain, right?
but why does it feel like SO much pain for so LITTLE gain???

the F train

on my way home from work. waiting at the stop on beach and the street next to taylor, i knew it was going to get packed once we hit the fisherman’s wharf stop, which was next…little did i expect what would happen next.
i get on the f train and see plenty of seats empty, but i choose one closest to the door, next to a man more on the heavy side than not…sticking out in the aisle a bit, but no big deal. people do this all the time and never get hurt…HA!
pier 39, the train is full. hope we don’t stop anymore or else people will REALLY have to start cramming. and as my luck would have it…of course we stop. and here comes a woman…in khakis and a fanny pack. her ass pressed against my right shoulder…not sexy at all. i sit and bear the discomfort…move! please move!!! i know you feel my shoulder on your ass…so why don’t you move already?! and the person or persons getting out finally do..and the train moves again…a sigh of relief..she has moved away from me. no more ass on my shoulder…
but then the japanese guy decides he wants to stand right next to me…with his crotch close to my cheek…HAHA am i being punked or something? he leans in…WTF! i know someone’s pulling a prank on me..but no! the car stops again, he moves…another sigh! but guess who’s back…the khakis.
she found her way back to me. and this time i decide to move forward, just lean a little forward. at least she won’t be pressed up against me. right?
WRONG! khakis with the fanny pack decides to lean in more…almost SITTING on my shoulder! and she just stays there. do you NOT know MUNI etiquette because ass pressed up against someone’s shoulder is NOT nice! and when it’s borderline sitting on my shoulderblade that is just UNKOSHER. almost at the point where i’d have to tell you to Fuck Off! but i’m polite and will excuse it these two times, but if i see you again and you decide to perch on my shoulder again…i will have to say something. because that shit is just disgusting.
but then i think to myself…maybe it’s karma getting back at me. i got in through the backdoor and didn’t pay…and now karma is biting me in the ass….or actually sending an ass to sit on me!!!